TEN THINGS JESUS NEVER SAID
1. You’ve gone too far to be saved.
2. I’m so disappointed in you.
3. This wouldn’t be happening if you were a better Christian.
4. There are some people you don’t need to love.
5. Everyone should believe and act the way you do.
6. It’s all up to you.
7. There are some people you don’t have to forgive.
8. You’ve missed My will for your life.
9. I’ve given up on you.
10. This is a cross you must bear.
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.
Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.”
“What a coincidence!” the man exclaims. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets.”
“Wow, what a coincidence!” he replies. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
“Another coincidence!” he tells her. “I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, “I work for Seven-Eleven!”
The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Judi, “as long as I can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said Judi’s friend. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied Judi, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
If giraffes ever go extinct it will be hard to describe them without making them seem like a dinosaur.
‘TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING
‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned,
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!
I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees …
HAPPY EATING TO ALL,
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!
Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.
SIGNS YOU’RE OVERDOING THANKSGIVING
~ Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
~ Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
~ You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.
~ You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.
~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
~ The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12′ boat!
~ The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.
~ Your “Old Elvis Super-Belt” won’t even go around your waist.
~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.
THINGS TO DO THANKSGIVING DAY IF YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED EARLY
~ Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your shirt (males only), shoes and socks at the dinner table.
~ Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
~ Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud “BUZZ”ing noise.
~ Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
~ Hold your nose while you eat.
~ Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
~ At mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See Mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice, you were worried for nothing.”
~ Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table.
~ When you arrive, promise that your date won’t be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how thankful I am that I’m not a turkey.