A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, “Today, in church I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.”
The pastor shouted out, “Cross.”
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison “The Old Rugged Cross.”
The Pastor hollered out “Grace.” The congregation began to sing “Amazing Grace.”
The Pastor said “Power.” The congregation sang “There is Power in the Blood.”
The Pastor said “Sex.” The congregation fell in stunned silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then, all of a sudden way, from in the back of the church, a little 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing “Precious Memories.”
Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights”
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights.
What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!”
“No,” the cook says, “3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up.”
“Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says “What are the beans for?”
The waitress replies “I thought that, while you’re waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up.”
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Two young boys were sitting patiently through a wedding. One asked the other, “How many wives can a man have?”
The other replied, “Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.”
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are really telling you that they have no sense of humor.
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.
“Looks like 9 pounds,” he offered confidently.
“This must not be your first,” I said.
“Oh, yes,” he said, “it’s my first.”
“Then how would you know the weight of a baby?” I asked.
He shrugged, “I’m a fisherman.”
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
Be still, my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
Confession without repentance is just bragging.
Two Canadian geese decided to fly south for the winter. A frog was sitting next to them as they decided this and he decided he wanted to go as well. The geese laughed and said “you’re just a frog- you can’t fly!” The frog knew that he didn’t want to stay in the cold, so he thought and thought and thought.
“I got an idea!” the frog said. He found a long stick. “You two hold this stick in your claws and I’ll hold on to the middle.”
“With what?” the geese asked. “Your little hands could never hold on to a stick!”
“With my mouth” said the frog, proud of his idea.
So the geese put the stick in their claws, the frog clamped on with his mouth and they began to fly south successfully.
A day or two later, a crowd of people looked up and saw the two geese flying overhead, holding a stick with a frog holding on in the middle with his mouth. Someone in the crowd exclaimed, “What a brilliant idea- I wonder who thought of that?”
The frog proudly exclaimed “I did!”
You know you’re a bad cook when your doctor instructs you to eat out more often.
Airhead #1: “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”
Airhead #2: “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?”
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.