Monthly Archives: August 2019

Humor – August 30

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him.

His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”

“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,” replied Jack.

“That must be expensive,” Bob replied.

“He charges $5,000 a month,” Jack told him.

“$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.

“I don’t know. That’s his problem.”

One Liner
He’s a gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

Thought for the day
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

Forgiveness is a two-way street. You can’t expect others to forgive you if you are unwilling to forgive them.

Humor – August 29

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away. He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

One Liner
Hermits don’t suffer from peer pressure.

Thought for the day
“Each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another” Romans 14:12-13 NIV

It isn’t judgmental to tell the truth to people. If someone is doing something the Bible says is wrong, it’s not being judgmental to tell that person it’s wrong. That’s just telling people the truth. It is judgmental to take the truth and beat people over the head with it and then enjoy it and feel morally superior because of it.

Humor – August 28

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.”

That afternoon, while eating the hamburger his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don’t ask me about it anymore!”

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather’s dog started to growl and would not let him pass.

“Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out.”

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, “COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!”

One Liner
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it?

Thought for the day
“A man’s harvest in life will depend entirely on what he sows” Galatians 6:7 Phillips

It’s the law of the harvest. Whatever goes around comes around. If you want to be respected, you must treat other people with respect.

Humor – August 27

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued: “What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?” He reminded the other dinner guests that it’s true what they say about teachers: “Those who can: do. Those who can’t: teach.”

To corroborate, he said to another guest: “You’re a teacher, Susan,” he said. “Be honest. What do you make?”

Susan, who had a reputation of honesty and frankness, replied, “You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face if the student did not do his or her very best.

“I can make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence. I can make parents tremble in fear when I call home. You want to know what else I make?”

“I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them spell ‘definitely’ and ‘beautiful’ over and over again, until they will never misspell either one of those words again. I make them show all their work in math and hide it all on their final drafts in English. I elevate them to experience music and art and joy in the performance, so their lives are rich, full of kindness and culture, and they take pride in themselves and their accomplishments. I make them understand that if you have the brains, then follow your heart…and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you pay them no attention.

“You want to know what I make? I make a difference. And what do you make?”

One Liner
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Thought for the day
“If a person isn’t loving and kind, it shows that he doesn’t know God — for God is love”
1 John 4:8

The Bible tells us that God is love. If you know God, you’ll fill your life with love. Love always treats people with respect.

Humor – August 26

When John returned to the house one evening, his wife announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.

“Yeah,” said Dewey very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, “that wasn’t very nice of her to do.”

“You’re absolutely right it wasn’t,” she said. “And they were the two best towels we had …. you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel?!”

One Liner
Don’t worry: the answer’s at the back of the book.

Thought for the day
God paid a ransom to save you …. he paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ” 1 Peter 1:18-19 TLB

You may not place much value in certain people, but God does. In fact, he says every person you meet is worth dying for.