Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets and a flight to the Rose Bowl football game in Pasadena on New Year’s Day. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. 

“I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!” 

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the first half. 

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. 

“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.” 

One Liner
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

A couple from the city went to a Dude Ranch while in Texas.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn’t.  

She replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.” 

One Liner
Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

OUR PETS DURING QUARANTINE

DOGS:

Please don’t walk me again. Watch Netflix. Read a book. But leave me alone.

This quarantine has me realizing why my dog gets so excited about something moving outside. I think I just barked at a squirrel. 

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Day 33 of quarantine and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

CATS: 

Get a human they said. Hardly ever home they said.

Why are the annoying servants staying in my home all day now??

The human has been working from day the last few days. Every so often he lets me participate in his online meetings. All the other humans cheer when they see me. I am the only thing keep their company together.

Stay home. Practice social distancing. Clean yourself often. OH NO! We’re becoming cats!

One Liner
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen. 

A groom wanted to surprise his bride on their wedding day so he arranged with the bakery to have a Bible verse inscribed on the cake.

He chose 1 John 4:18, which reads: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”. 

But the baker, not being familiar with the Bible, got the verse wrong and on the day of his wedding the groom was surprised to find the cake inscribed with John 4:18, which read: “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband.” 

One Liner
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

FUNNY COP QUOTES

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“And if you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. Well, I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you ANOTHER ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?”

One Liner
Why worry about tomorrow when there are so many bridges to burn today? 

Two tips for Christmas:

One: Forget the past, you can’t change it

Two: Forget the present, I didn’t get you one

One Liner
Wife to husband: “This Christmas let’s give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats.” 

CATS’ FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

1. Up on the Mousetop

2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

3. Joy to the Curled

4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

5. The First Meow

6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

7. Silent Mice

8. Fluffy, the Snowman

9. Jingle Balls

10. Wreck the Halls

One Liner
A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery. He was picking his nose.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

* Olive, the other reindeer.

* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say 

* Sleep in heavenly peas 

* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown 

* You’ll go down in listerine 

* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay 

* Come, froggy faithful 

* You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

One Liner
What is King Wenceslas’ favorite pizza?
One that’s deep pan, crisp, and even.