Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.
She concluded with, “And all this happened more than 500 years ago.”
“Wow!” exclaimed Little Johnny, “What a great memory you have!”
One Liner
“If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”
One Liner
People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married in the U.S. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
One Liner
Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.
So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an idiot or blind. Do you understand all that?” The little boy nodded yes again.
He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach stupid is it?” The little boy shook his head NO.
“GOOD,” said the coach, “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
One Liner
The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it is your move.
The airhead tried to sell his old car. He was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day he mentioned his problem to a friend he worked with. The friend told him, “There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the airhead, “as long as I can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell.” The following weekend, the airhead made the trip to the mechanic.
A month later, the friend asked the airhead, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the airhead, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
One Liner
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
I’m a high-school geometry teacher, and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.”
I noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.
“Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”
One Liner
I’ve learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked. “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”
The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably a life sentence.”
One Liner
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
“Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores?
They are pale skinny people who look half-dead.
In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people.
They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.” – Bill Cosby
One Liner
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
