(Husband) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own Command Center! 

(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!

(Husband) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!

(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too? 

One Liner

Hired a handyman and gave him a list of tasks. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs. 

Patient: “Doctor, I accidentally swallowed a spoon!”

Doctor: “Okay, sit down and don’t stir.”

One Liner

Every morning I announce that I’m going jogging, but then I don’t. It’s a running joke.

Just for the record, the longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes…

And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

One Liner

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”

Father: “What, son?”

College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”

Father: “I certainly do.”

College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”

One Liner

I couldn’t hear you, so I’ll just laugh and hope it wasn’t a question.

The wife phones.

Husband: “Hi!”

Wife: “Hi! Did you clean the house?”

Husband: “Uhh
YUP!”

Wife: “Okay, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

Husband: “Yes, about 2 hours.”

One Liner

I didn’t mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heir line.

One Liner

I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought about running away more as an adult that I ever did as a child.