(Husband) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own Command Center! 

(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!

(Husband) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!

(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too? 

One Liner

Hired a handyman and gave him a list of tasks. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.