After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1989.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1989 Cadillac.”
“I don’t make jokes, “Will Rogers once said truthfully. “I just watch the government and report the facts.”
FELINE PHYSICS OR CAT LAWS
LAW OF CAT INERTIA: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
LAW OF CAT MOTION: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
LAW OF PILL REJECTION: Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity.
LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM: Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE: As yet undiscovered.
The chance of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.
“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.
“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that “God loves a cheerful giver.”
As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing.
The boy replied, “The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!”
I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!
At 6 years old, “Mommy, I love you.”
At 10 years old, “Mom, whatever”
At 16, “My mom is so annoying.”
At 18, “I wanna leave this house.”
At 25, “Mom, you were right.”
At 30, “I wanna go to Mom’s house”
At 50, “I don’t wanna lose my Mom.”
I’d be an ideal mother if it wasn’t for my kids.
My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though.
“Don’t worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”
They shot in the air three times, but no one came.
After a while, they tried it again.
Still no response.
When they decided to try once more, Bubba said, “It better work this time. We’re down to our last three arrows.”
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A Quaker farmer was milking his cow when she switched him in the face with her tail.
He patiently said, “Cow, thou shalt not do that.”
He kept milking until she kicked and sent the half-filled milk pail tumbling across the barn, spilling and ruining the milk.
The farmer went around to face the cow and took her horns in his big, calloused hands. He looked at her and said, “Cow, thou knowest that I am a Quaker and that I cannot strike thee. But cow, thou also must know that I can sell thee to a Baptist.”
On a church sign: Church parking only. Violators will be baptized.
ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
~ Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
~ Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
~ Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
~ Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin.
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
~ The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?