Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.

The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.

“It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

One Liner
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

REMEMBER: SENIOR CITIZENS ARE VALUABLE

We have silver in our hair. 

We have gold in our teeth. 

We have stones in our kidneys. 

We have lead in our feet and…

We are loaded with natural gas.

One Liner
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!” 

One Liner
Feels like we’re only 3-4 weeks away from learning everyone’s real hair color.

“Sally, can you spell ‘water’ for me?” The teacher asked.

“H I J K L M N 0,” answered Sally promptly.

Her teacher look puzzled. “That doesn’t spell “water.”

“Sure it does,” said Sally. “My daddy’s a scientist and he says water is H to O.”

One Liner
I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light that had a bumper sticker on it that said, “Honk if you love Jesus.” 

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20  times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” 

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know WHAT you gave me, but now when I pass gas although still silent they stink terribly.”

“Good,” the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

One Liner
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.