Monthly Archives: March 2017

Humor – March 31

I finally figured out why I am getting fat! I should have figured it out sooner.
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, “FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap. On its label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
Problem Solved!

One Liner
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.  — Billy Graham

Thought for the day
“I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble” Psalm 59:16

We need the emotional release and recharging that comes from singing. Put on some Christian music, and sing along. Then, watch how God restores your soul!

Humor – March 30

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals. Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”
If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.” That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”

One Liner
“At my age, forget all the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get!”

Thought for the day
“Encourage one another daily” Hebrews 3:13a

Every believer needs to get together in a small group at least weekly where you can share needs and problems, pray for each other, and develop friendships.  Join a small group.

Humor – March 29

A friend of ours was puzzled by the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say, “Beep.”

He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting. “Hi,” it said. “I’m not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message.”

One Liner
Committee: The unwilling, recruited from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Thought for the day
“This is the reason why we never collapse. The outward man does indeed suffer wear and tear, but every day the inward man receives fresh strength” 2 Corinthians 4:16 Phillips

Outwardly our body suffers wear and tear, but inwardly we can be spiritually renewed every day by spending time alone with God. Establish a daily quiet time with God.

Humor – March 28

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska –a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

“If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?” he asked his wife.

She replied, “You.”

One Liner
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Thought for the day
1 John 5:3, “This is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome” (NIV).

If something God asks you to do feels like a burden, what’s wrong? May well be procrastination. When we don’t act right away, it becomes harder to do the longer we wait. But when we do what God says, the most refreshing freedom will come into our lives.

Humor – March 27

  Many years ago, my father was visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.
    He said he wanted to go with me to the supermarket, so I invited him along.
    As he went up & down the aisles with me, at the local Giant Food Store, he constantly asked me questions about products he saw.
    “Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??” asked my dad (pointing at Tang).
    I said, “Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice.”
    A few minutes later, in a different aisle, dad blurted out, “Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?” (pointing at a box of Carnation).
    I said, “Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!”
    A few minutes later, in a different aisle, my dad yelled out, “Und give a look here!! Baby Powder!! Vat a country, vat a country!”

One Liner
Seen on a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed. – Don’t sleep with a drip.”

Thought for the day
“Understanding your word brings light to the minds of ordinary people” (Psalm 119:130 CEV).

God wants to give light — his light — to every person. He wants to light up our minds with the truth of who he is and his next step for our lives.

Humor – March 24

“Morning Sickness”

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

“What’s wrong Molly?” she asked.

Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, Sarah said, “Hurray! I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”

“I’m not,” the harried middle-aged mother replied.

“I’m just sick of mornings.”

One Liner
Seen on an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

Thought for the day
Psalm 119:114: “You’re my place of quiet retreat; I wait for your Word to renew me” (MSG).

If you’re discouraged and have lost hope, then that tells me one thing about your life without ever meeting you: You’re not spending time in God’s Word. If you were, you wouldn’t be discouraged. The more you read God’s Word when you’re down, the more he lifts you up.

Humor – March 23

“It Pays to Read Labels”

I finally figured out why I am so “full-figured”!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says “for extra volume and body”! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Tomorrow I am going to start using “Dawn” dish soap! It says right on the bottle, “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove”.

It pays to read the warning labels my friends.

One Liner
“People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick”

Thought for the day
Romans 15:4, “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope” (NIV).

Everything in Scripture is written for our encouragement. That’s a big statement — but it’s true! Even the tough parts of God’s Word are there to ultimately encourage our lives in the right direction.

Humor – March 22

“One Carton and Six Eggs”

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had eggs.”

One Liner
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ~ Mark Twain

Thought for the day
“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope” (Romans 15:4 NIV).

Are you down in the dumps? Do you need a mood elevator?

Put down the piece of chocolate cake. Don’t have a pity party. Pick up your Bible instead.