Monthly Archives: January 2016

Deuteronomy 7:6

image

Advertisements

Humor – January 29

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

“For instance,” he said, “if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?”

The answers from the group were unanimous: “Two.”

“Wrong,” replied the speaker, “there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping.”

One Liner
“I think there is insanity in my family – they keep asking me for money.”

Thought for the day
Keep our eyes focused on Jesus – not on the storm of our circumstances. Peter walked on water until he shifted his focus from Jesus to the storm swirling around him.

“…Then Peter got down out of the boat and walked on the water to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’” Matthew 14:29-30 (NIV)

Humor – January 28

No Nursing Home For Me

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer,etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.

6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And – you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?

So . . .

When I reach the Golden age,
I’ll face it with a grin —
Just forward all my email to:
me@Holiday_Inn!

Humor – January 27

Within a year, our Young Couples Department at church had grown from one class of eight active couples to four classes with 56 active couples!

On Baby Dedication Sunday that year, we had 19 babies! Our Pastor was so excited. He stood in the pulpit that Sunday with 19 babies and their parents facing him. He wanted to brag on these couples and the great job that they had done growing this Young Couples Department. However, here’s what he actually said: “Just look at ALL these babies! Folks, this just goes to show what our young couples have been doing!!!”

The laughter started and continued for several minutes. Every time the pastor tried to say something, the laughter would begin again. Finally, the red-faced pastor added, “For which we are grateful.”

One Liner
Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.

Thought for the day
People who excel maintain a positive attitude. Even under pressure, change, or unrealistic demands, they don’t allow themselves to become negative: “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life” (Philippians 2:14-16a NIV). And remember: “If your boss is angry at you, don’t quit! A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes” (Ecclesiastes 10:4 NLT).

Humor – January 26

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

The new CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy.”

One Liner
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Thought for the day
“Everything, absolutely everything … got started in him and finds its purpose in him.” (Colossians 1:16 MSG)

When you put your trust in Jesus Christ, you learn God’s purpose for your life.


Humor – January 25

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, “You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing.”
“Thank you,” the visiting preacher replied.
“Yes,” she continued. “You did it in fifteen minutes.”

One LINER
My doctor is an eye, ear, nose, throat and wallet specialist.


Thought for the day
Amos 5:14-15

Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the Lord God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is. Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts.

Are you on God’s side? That’s determined more by what we seek and do rather than what we say and believe. God longs to be with us, but he will not sacrifice his character!! He’s looking for believers who put their character where their mouth is!!