Monthly Archives: January 2016

Humor – January 21

Little Johnny was in kindergarten. There was a another boy in his class who wasn’t listening to the teacher.

The teacher said to the boy, “Since you don’t want to listen, you sit at that table by yourself.”

After a few minutes, Johnny raised his hand and said, “I don’t want to listen either. Can I sit with him?”

One Liner
Marriage Advice: Being married is a lot like living in California … If you find a fault, don’t dwell on it!

Thought for the day
“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” (Ecclesiastes 9:10a NIV)

If you want your work to be blessed by God, the first thing you must do is start working enthusiastically.

Humor – January 20

DISORDER IN THE COURT

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

One Liner
You can trust God too little, but you can never trust Him too much.

Thought for the day
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God’s promise to believers is that, no matter what happens to us, he is working for our good — if we love him and follow him (Romans 8:28). If you’re a believer, the Bible says all things are working together for good — not that all things are good, but working together for good.

Humor – January 19

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.”

One Liner
The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

Thought for the day
“And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us.” (2 Corinthians 1:10 NLT, 2nd edition)

God is watching over you, so don’t listen to your fears. This is a choice. Trust God, and don’t give in to your fears.

Humor -January 18

A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

“They shouldn’t put up such misleading notices,” said the guy. “It said `FINE FOR PARKING HERE`.”

One Liner
“Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old – squash their toes with your rocker.”

Thought for the day
We must “put on” the character of Christ by developing new, godly habits. The Bible says, “Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:24 NIV)

Humor – January 15

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the

lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the

manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they

asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting

in an open foyer.’

One Liner
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Thought of the day
Tell others that Jesus is the Truth and that He is the only way to life with the Father (John 14:6). Tell them “that the Son of God came so we could recognize and understand the truth of God—what a gift!—and we are living in the Truth itself, in God’s Son, Jesus Christ. This Jesus is both True God and Real Life” (1 John 5:20 MSG).

Humor – January 14

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

One Liner
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”
– Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Thought for the day
Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you” (NIV).

Evaluate where you are so that you can know where you should go.

Humor – January 13

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

One Liner
Misuse of “literally” makes me figuratively insane.

Thought for the day
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” Romans 15:7 (NIV)

God made you different so you can complement each other, complete each other, and strengthen each other.

Humor – January 12

Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, “Shingles.”

The doctor asked, “Where?”

Kevin said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em?”

One Liner
Can CIA agents be despised?

Thought for the day
“And lead us not into temptation …” (Matthew 6:13 NIV)

God wants us to love the people of this world, no matter who they are, what they’ve done, or what they believe. But He does not want us to love the world’s value system.