Seven Stages of Sickness for Married Couples

1ST YEAR: The husband says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some takeout from Tosini’s. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse.”

2ND YEAR: “Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?”

3RD YEAR: “Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup around here?”

4TH YEAR: “No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!”

5TH YEAR: “Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?”

6TH YEAR: “You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!”

7TH YEAR: “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You’d better pick up some tissues while you’re at the store.”

One LINER
If we were put on this earth to help others, what are the others here for?

Thought for the day
These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.  Mark 7:6

There should be no shortcuts when serving God but, your strict established routine is un-acceptable if you have a hard heart that cares only about the process.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it.  He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string.  It’ll come back to ya.”

One LINER
Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, “Canned goods and ammunition

Thought for the day
“Your true life is not made up of the things you own, no matter how rich you may be” (Luke 12:15 TEV).

Your real life is not about what you own.

“Golf Ransom”

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. “Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again.”

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, “You’re three hours late. What took you so long?”

“Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 27 handicap.”

One Liner
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 1:9-10
He made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment – to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

Jesus is Lord! God’s plan was to bring unity in Christ by making him Lord of all! What area of our lives, our hearts, our secrets, our sin, our rebellion, have we not submitted to his lordship?

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs.  They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.

The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her.”

One LINER
Why is it called “rush hour” when nothing moves?

Thought for the day
Psalm 16:3
As for the saints who are in the land, 
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight

Saints are people touched by God’s holiness.  No one is saintly, or holy apart from God.  Only God is holy.

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you have any wittle wabbits?”

And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a wittle bwack wabby?  Or maybe that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon weally cares.”

One LINER
“The best mirror is an old friend.” – George Herbert

Thought for the day
Acts 25:18-19
But the accusations made against him weren’t any of the crimes I expected.  Instead, it was something about their religion and a dead man named Jesus, who Paul insists is alive

Jewish leaders came from Jerusalem making serious accusations against Paul.  But when it came down to it – it wasn’t about any crime he had committed but that he claimed Jesus was alive and not dead!!  Would that be the only charge against you and I today?  We claim Jesus is alive in all our actions and speech!!

THREE SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

1. Naps are good.

2. Your parents’ jokes are funny.

3. When things go wrong, you can’t just yell “Do-over!”

One LINER
Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

Thought for the day
Acts 23:1
Paul looked straight at the Sanhedrin and said, “My brothers, I have fulfilled my duty to God in all good conscience to this day.

Paul looked them in the eye and gave a BOLD word for God.  May we be so bold!!

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib.  Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, “Amazing,” while smiling from ear to ear.

Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.

“Isn’t it amazing!” he replied.  “When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $39.99!”

One Liner
I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

Thought for the day
“Never tell your neighbors to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now.” (Proverbs 3:28 TEV).

Servants are always on the lookout for ways to help others. When they see a need, they seize the moment to meet it.