A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle.  As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them!

A cop came and questioned the snail: “What happened here?”

The little snail replied, “I don’t know — it all happened so fast.”

One Liner
You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.

Thought for the day
“He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way” Psalm 25:9 NIV

If you’ve never felt God guiding you, maybe it’s because you’ve never admitted that you need his guidance.

Preacher: “This morning’s worship went well, but I just don’t think the sermon ever got off the ground.”

Preacher’s wife: “Well, it sure did taxi long enough.”

One Liner
People are freaking out about toilet paper shortages and I’m over here like “I’m good, I bought a pack of gum at CVS.”

Thought for the day
Philippians 4:6 says, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”

The antidote to worry is worship—to pray, praise God, and ask him for what you need.

I live across the street from a church.

When my wife’s puppy escaped from the backyard, we went looking for it.

She went off in the car, and I started to walk around the church, calling the dog’s name.

I didn’t think anything of it, until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area.

The dog’s name is Moses.

One Liner
A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Thought for the day
“So when the army of Judah arrived at the lookout point in the wilderness, all they saw were dead bodies lying on the ground as far as they could see. Not a single one of the enemy had escaped”  2 Chronicles 20:24 NLT

Sometimes life is like this, isn’t it? You have a seemingly insurmountable problem. You face your enemy and trust God to fight for you. Then you stand unarmed and watch as he wins the victory.

Thought for the day
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”  Philippians 4:13 NKJV

Christ is powerful; you are powerless. There is no middle ground. But like the verse says, when we rely on him, Christ will give us strength.  So, when you find yourself facing the impossible, you have to confess your inadequacy. He won’t force himself into your situation. But he is ready and waiting to respond to your confession.

The comments of an experienced mother:

“Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children…

Now I have six children and no theories!”

One Liner
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.”   — Dave Barry

Thought for the day
“God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble”  1 Peter 5:5 CSB

Pride repels God’s grace, but humility attracts it. God wants to pour his grace into your life, but he won’t do it as long as pride is in the way. So you have to humble yourself and confess your inadequacy.

First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained.

Second Mouse: How so?

First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.

One Liner
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

Thought for the day
“With God everything is possible.”  Matthew 19:26 NLT

When you’re facing tough times, worry is a natural human response. But, instead of worrying, God wants you to worship. One way you can worship God is by believing who he is and what he can do.

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

One Liner
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart stuff I do and say. Other times I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.

Thought for the day
“You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you . . . Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you” (2 Chronicles 20:17 NIV).

Aren’t those strange orders? God is telling Israel’s army to go to the battlefield, but not fight.  As we face any situation, that’s what God is asking from you, too. He’s asking you to stand strong, in quiet confidence in him. He’s asking you not to be afraid or discouraged.