Monthly Archives: May 2019

Humor – May 31

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”

“In Congress someone gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then they all disagree.”

Thought for the day
“Whenever you are able, do good to people who need help” (Proverbs 3:27 NCV)

The Bible says very clearly that you weren’t put on this earth just to live for yourselfGod gave you abilities, talents, and energy to help other people.

Humor – May 30

Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are “STOP” and “FULL SPEED.”

One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, “Mister, I’ve been waiting for you all morning…”

Nick replied “Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!”

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement and became a hardened criminal.

Thought for the day
“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)

We are to live the good and the bad days with a sense of gratitude, because each day is a gift from God.

Humor – May 29

Help Line”

It’s clear why these people needed to call a “help” line.
Customer: “I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?”
Operator: “Where did you get that number, sir?”
Customer: “It’s on the door of your business.”
Operator: “Sir, those are the hours that we are open.”

Samsung Electronics
Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.”
Caller: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
Operator: “I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.”

“Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.”

Thought for the day
“We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers. (1 John 3:16 GW)

Serve on God’s term and not your own – We actually can’t, but His Spirit within you can enable you to serve and minister to others. You can draw from his sacrificial strength.

Humor – May 28


Gross pay:   $1,222.02

Income Tax: $244.40

Outgo Tax: $45.21

State Tax: $61.10

Interstate Tax: $5.89

County Tax: $6.11

City Tax: $12.22

Rural Tax: $4.44

Back Tax: $1.11

Front Tax: $1.16

Side Tax: $1.61

Up Tax: $2.22

Down Tax: $1.11

Tic-Tacs: $1.98

Thumbtacks: $3.93

Carpet Tacks: $.98

Stadium Tax: $.69

Flat Tax: $8.32

Surtax: $3.46

Ma’am Tax: $2.60

Parking Fee: $5.00

No Parking Fee: $10.00

F.I.C.A.: $81.88

T.G.I.F.: $9.95

Life Insurance: $5.85

Health Insurance: $16.23

Disability: $2.50

Ability: $.25

Liability: $3.41

Dental Insurance: $4.50

Mental Insurance: $4.33

Reassurance: $.11

Coffee: $6.85

Coffee Cups: $66.51

Calendar: $3.06

Floor Rental: $16.85

Chair Rental: $.32

Desk Rental: $4.32

Union Dues: $5.85

Union Don’ts: $3.77

Cash Advances: $.69

Cash Retreats: $121.35

Overtime: $1.26

Undertime: $54.83

Eastern Time: $9.00

Central Time: $8.00

Mountain Time: $7.00

Pacific Time:$6.00

GMT: $24.00

Time Out: $12.21

Oxygen: $10.02

Water: $16.54

Electricity: $38.23

Heat: $51.42

Air: $46.83

Miscellaneous: $154.54

Take Home Pay:   $0000.02

(This is where the expression “my 2 cents” came from…)

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Thought for the day
Deuteronomy 11:2a says, “Remember today what you have learned about the Lord through your experiences with him” (GNT).

There are some things we only learn through experience.

Humor – May 27

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” wheezed a second.

“And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember ’em too,” said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest – and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old – piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on THIS side of the grass!”

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Thought for the day
“Let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not”(Galatians 6:9 KJV).

The way you respond to someone or to a situation right now is definitely going to affect your future. If you respond correctly in a season of life and you do the right thing, even when you don’t feel like it, it pays great dividends in the future.


Humor – May 24

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. “CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!”

The wife was very upset, “What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don’t know how to fry an egg?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted you to know what it’s like for me when I am driving the car and you’re sitting next to me.”

One Liner
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Thought for the day
Romans 15:7
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Is there someone you are not fully accepting? Christ died for all!!

Humor – May 23

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

You know you’re getting old when you wonder what you’d feel like if you weren’t taking vitamins.

eWORD of the DAY
“let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. 2 Corinthians 7:1

The holiness of God demands holiness on our part. We must grow in our relationship with God so that His holiness becomes evident in our lives. We cannot truly reverence God apart from being marked by His holiness. To reverence Him means to submit ourselves to his holy sovereign authority, forsaking our sin and self-centeredness.