Monthly Archives: May 2019

Humor – May 31

“Laziness”
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”

One LINER
“In Congress someone gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then they all disagree.”

Thought for the day
“Whenever you are able, do good to people who need help” (Proverbs 3:27 NCV)

The Bible says very clearly that you weren’t put on this earth just to live for yourselfGod gave you abilities, talents, and energy to help other people.

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Humor – May 30

TWO-SPEED CORVETTE
Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are “STOP” and “FULL SPEED.”

One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, “Mister, I’ve been waiting for you all morning…”

Nick replied “Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!”

One LINER  
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement and became a hardened criminal.

Thought for the day
“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)

We are to live the good and the bad days with a sense of gratitude, because each day is a gift from God.

Humor – May 29

Help Line”

It’s clear why these people needed to call a “help” line.
——
Customer: “I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?”
Operator: “Where did you get that number, sir?”
Customer: “It’s on the door of your business.”
Operator: “Sir, those are the hours that we are open.”

—–
Samsung Electronics
Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.”
Caller: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
Operator: “I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.”

ONE LINER
“Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.”

Thought for the day
“We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers. (1 John 3:16 GW)

Serve on God’s term and not your own – We actually can’t, but His Spirit within you can enable you to serve and minister to others. You can draw from his sacrificial strength.

Humor – May 28

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK

Gross pay:   $1,222.02

Income Tax: $244.40

Outgo Tax: $45.21

State Tax: $61.10

Interstate Tax: $5.89

County Tax: $6.11

City Tax: $12.22

Rural Tax: $4.44

Back Tax: $1.11

Front Tax: $1.16

Side Tax: $1.61

Up Tax: $2.22

Down Tax: $1.11

Tic-Tacs: $1.98

Thumbtacks: $3.93

Carpet Tacks: $.98

Stadium Tax: $.69

Flat Tax: $8.32

Surtax: $3.46

Ma’am Tax: $2.60

Parking Fee: $5.00

No Parking Fee: $10.00

F.I.C.A.: $81.88

T.G.I.F.: $9.95

Life Insurance: $5.85

Health Insurance: $16.23

Disability: $2.50

Ability: $.25

Liability: $3.41

Dental Insurance: $4.50

Mental Insurance: $4.33

Reassurance: $.11

Coffee: $6.85

Coffee Cups: $66.51

Calendar: $3.06

Floor Rental: $16.85

Chair Rental: $.32

Desk Rental: $4.32

Union Dues: $5.85

Union Don’ts: $3.77

Cash Advances: $.69

Cash Retreats: $121.35

Overtime: $1.26

Undertime: $54.83

Eastern Time: $9.00

Central Time: $8.00

Mountain Time: $7.00

Pacific Time:$6.00

GMT: $24.00

Time Out: $12.21

Oxygen: $10.02

Water: $16.54

Electricity: $38.23

Heat: $51.42

Air: $46.83

Miscellaneous: $154.54

Take Home Pay:   $0000.02

(This is where the expression “my 2 cents” came from…)

ONE LINER
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Thought for the day
Deuteronomy 11:2a says, “Remember today what you have learned about the Lord through your experiences with him” (GNT).

There are some things we only learn through experience.

Humor – May 27

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” wheezed a second.

“And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember ’em too,” said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest – and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old – piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on THIS side of the grass!”

ONE LINER
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Thought for the day
“Let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not”(Galatians 6:9 KJV).

The way you respond to someone or to a situation right now is definitely going to affect your future. If you respond correctly in a season of life and you do the right thing, even when you don’t feel like it, it pays great dividends in the future.