Monthly Archives: February 2020

Humor – February 26

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with “Amen” or “That’s right, preacher” he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with “Amen, Pharaoh!” The guest minister wasn’t sure what that meant, but after several more “Amen, Pharaohs” he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, “What exactly did you mean when you said “Amen, Pharaoh?”

His host replied, “I was telling you to let my people go!”

One Liner
4 out of 5 of the voices in my head tell me to go back to sleep.

Thought for the day
“We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” Romans 15:2b TLB

Listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships, because you can’t love people without listening to them

Humor – February 25

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

“We don’t do that anymore,” the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. “The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough.”

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?” she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

One Liner
She ran the gamut of emotions – from A to B.

Thought for the day
“For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them”  2 Timothy 1:7 TLB

You know you’re filled with God’s Spirit when you’re more courageous in your relationships. You love people. You enjoy being with them. You’re not afraid of them because God’s Spirit is in your life.

Humor – February 24

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they’d leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.

“This I’ve got to see,” I thought.

They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

One Liner
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Thought for the day
“But if we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other. Then the blood of Jesus, God’s Son, cleanses us from every sin. If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us”  1 John 1:7-8 NCV

The world thinks intimacy occurs in the dark, but God says it happens in the light. We tend to use darkness to hide our hurts, faults, fears, failures and flaws. But in the light, we bring them all out into the open and admit who we really are.

Humor – February 21

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon when he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.

She replied, “It’s about time! I pressed the F1 key over twenty minutes ago!”

(F1 key is for help!!)

One Liner
Drape Pun …. So grateful somebody invented window blinds or it would be curtains for all of us!

Thought for the day
 “We know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans” Romans 8:28 TLB

The Bible says “all that happens” fits into God’s good plan—not just the good stuff. He can and will bring good out of anything.

Humor – February 20

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s our name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”

One Liner
The solution makes the problem more difficult.

Thought for the day
“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them . . . There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear”  1 John 4:16, 18 NIV

When you invite God into the front door of your life, fear goes out the back door. Love and fear can’t stay together. In real love, there is no fear.


Humor – February 19

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man’s man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate = ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumph. One of them asked the Captain, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?”

The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”

All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man’s man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants!”

One Liner
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Thought for the day
“That Sunday evening the disciples were meeting behind locked doors because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders. Suddenly, Jesus was standing there among them! ‘Peace be with you,’ he said”  John 20:19 NLT

Notice that they locked the doors because they were afraid. That’s what fear does. It locks you out of all the doors God wants you to go through.

Humor – February 18

Since our Information Technology expenditures have risen dramatically, the corporate office has defined a low-cost alternative to computers. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by June 2017. Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q:   My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I turn my Etch-A~Sketch off?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I create a New Document window?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A:   Don’t shake it.

One Liner
My friend got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

Thought for the day
“Godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it”  1 Timothy 6:6-7 NIV

When you learn to be content, you are believing that God knows what you need better than you do and trusting that he will give you the necessary wisdom to make good financial decisions.