A lady lost her handbag. It was found by an honest little boy who returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “Yes. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.
Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
The cable installer applicant shows up to the interview 45 minutes late.
Interviewer: “You’re hired.”
The app that counts my steps asked if I’ve died.
YOU’RE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF:
~ You can name everyone you graduated with.
~ You know what each H in 4-H stands for.
~ You give directions by references: “Turn by Nelson’s house, go two blocks past Anderson’s, and it’s four houses left of the track field.”
~ You can’t help but date a friend’s ex-girlfriend.
~ The town next to you is considered “trashy” or “snooty,” but is actually just like your town.
~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.
~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
~ Your teacher calls you by your older sibling’s name.
~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
I married Mr. Right. I just didn’t know his first name was “Always.”
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, “Rest in Peace.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.'”
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Does old sour cream go good?
She: “Do I look fat?”
He: “…do I look stupid?”
Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You are one of them.
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Do not accept a friend request from Hormel Foods. It could be spam.
Max Greenberg was at his favorite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.
“Yes?” asked the busy waiter.
“Are you sure you’re the waiter I ordered from?” asked Max.
“Why do you ask?” replied the waiter.
Max replied, “Because I was expecting he would be a much older man by now.”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.