I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.

My boss asked, “What companies?”

Gas, water and electricity.

One Liner

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

The Sunday school teacher asked, “How many of you children would like to go to Heaven?”

All raised their hands except little Ronnie. The teacher asked him why not.

“I’m sorry,” Ronnie replied. “Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday school.

One Liner

One minute you’re young and fun – the next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

REASONS WHY FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN

~ They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.

~ Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

~ It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

~ The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

~ The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren’t cracked and covered with duct tape. 

~ Top speed is only about 45 mph.

~ Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.

~ It’s hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

One Liner

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date. 

Dorothy, the little daughter of a tire salesman, had seen triplets for the first time.

“Oh mother,” she cried out upon returning home, “what do you think I saw today?”

“I can’t imagine, dear, what?”

“A lady had twins, and a spare!”

One Liner

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 6,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

One Liner

It’s that time of year when I get to pretend the 5-pound bag of candy I’m buying is for trick-or-treaters.

In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: “That’s the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger.”

“Then I don’t want it,” retorted the customer.

“I certainly can’t afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!”

One Liner

I just finished a positive thinking course. What a waste of time.

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.

“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”

“They called back.”

One Liner

How much did Long John Silver pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.