The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

“So, tell me, Nurse,” he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, “what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?”

One Liner
No sense being pessimistic; it probably won’t work anyway.

Thought for the day
“Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man comes to the Father but by me.’ On the surface, that seems the most intolerant of statements. Think of any man on the stage of human history claiming to be the supreme embodiment of all psychological, scientific, and religious truth! He was either an egomaniac, a liar, or He was what He claimed to be. By faith I accepted Him for what He claimed to be, the Son of the Living God. That simple decision changed my life – and I have seen it change the lives of countless others across the world.” – Billy Graham

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'”

“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.

“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.'”

One Liner
A printer consists of three main parts: The case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.

Thought for the day
Jeremiah 2:13 says, “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water” (NIV).

Off we trot to start digging our own well and our own cistern. We abandon God — who doesn’t just have water but a spring of water that will never dry up — and decide to figure our problem out by ourselves.

The problem is our cisterns always break; they never hold up. The water leaks out, so we remain thirsty, unable to quench our own thirst. God tells them they had forsaken him, the true God, and they were trying to satisfy themselves instead of relying on him.

CHURCH OXYMORONS

An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms.

~ Brief meeting

~ Preacher’s day off

~ Clear calendar

~ Volunteer waiting list

~ Concluding remarks

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One Liner
Sign under a mounted fish: If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn’t be here.

Thought for the day
“You knit me together in my mother’s womb … Your workmanship is marvelous … You watched me as I was formed … in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” (Psalm 139:13-16 NLT)

Recognize your uniqueness. You don’t have to envy anybody. You just need to become all that God meant for you to be in the first place.

When I focus on making God number one in my life, remembering that he made me unique and has a plan for my life, then competition becomes irrelevant. That’s because I’m not competing with anybody else. I’m unique, and so are you.

FIREHOUSE TRAINING SESSION

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, “You got the right place.”

One Liner
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Thought for the day
“When Jesus heard this, he said, ‘Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.’ Then he added, ‘Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: “I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.” For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.’” Matthew 9:12-13 (NLT)

The enemy doesn’t want us to share our faith, and so he fights us with fear. But God does not give us his spirit to make us slaves again to fear; he fills us with his spirit to show us we are his children and that he is “Abba, Father”

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her and loved her deep in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St.Peter, “that’s worth two points.”

“Two points!?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St.Peter. “That”s certainly worth a point.”

“One point!?!! Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that”s good for two more points,” he says.

“Two points!?!! Exasperated, the man cries, “At this rate the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God.”

“Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!”

One Liner
I’ve been losing my sense of balance…in my checkbook

Thought for the day
“We are tempted when we are drawn away and trapped by our own evil desires. Then our evil desires conceive and give birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” James 1:14-15 (GNT)

If you’re facing temptation right now, you’re never going to find freedom until you stop fixing the blame and start fixing the problem. Stop blaming other people! Even when other people have hurt you, it’s your reaction that’s causing the problem.

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.

“Jury trial,” the defendant replied.

“Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge.

“Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”

One Liner
If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.

Thought for the day
I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)

Knowing the truth – that God knows everything in your life, can either be very disturbing or very comforting. It depends on your relationship to Him, whether you’re trying to fool Him or not.

A preacher was made aware that he had a deacon in his church who was from time to time known to cuss.

In his attempt to help the deacon overcome this terrible habit, the preacher decided he should spend some personal time with the deacon so they could have a long talk about the problem. The preacher decided to ask the deacon to go fishing thinking that might provide an opportunity to talk.

They were out in a boat and had their lines in the water when the preacher hooked a BIG one. It put up a mighty fight, but finally he reeled the fish up to the edge of the boat. It was the biggest fish the preacher had ever caught. But, just as the minister started to pull his catch into the boat, the fish slipped off the hook and got away.

Thoroughly disgusted, the preacher looked over and said, “Deacon, somethin’ needs to be said here!”

One Liner
I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will EXPERIENCE FELLOWSHIP with other believers: “My prayer is that they will be of one heart and mind, just as you and I are one, Father … and the world will believe you sent Me” (John 17:21, LB).

I should have figured it out sooner.

It’s the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, “FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”

I have gotten rid of THAT shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish detergent.

Its label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved! It sure pays to read the label…

One Liner
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Thought for the day
God saw that human evil was out of control. People thought evil, imagined evil evil, evil, evil from morning to night. God was sorry that he had made the human race in the first place; it broke his heart. … But Noah was different. God liked what he saw in Noah. Genesis 6:5-6, 8 (MSG)

If you intend to do anything significant with your life, it’s going to be in spite of culture rather than because of the culture. Everything in our culture tempts you into short-term thinking. Most of us are not thinking in terms of the next ten years; we’re not even thinking about next year or next month. We think about today.