A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?”

“She did,” he replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!”

One Liner

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.

I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law’s house one year at the holidays.  I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).

Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes.  I was going to call it, “The Buck Stops Here,” and my slogan was going to be, “Bambi: You’ve seen the movie. Now, eat the star!”

One Liner

The sign on the elevator door read, “This elevator is out of whack.”
By the next day someone used a crayon to add “More whack is on order.”

While working in the psychology department at a local college, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, “Can I get something blown up down there?”

After a pause, the voice on the line replied, “I think you want the chemistry lab.”

One Liner

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?” 

“I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny. 

“Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?” 

“Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

One Liner

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

THE TOP SEVEN THINGS OVERHEAD ON THE WISE MEN’S JOURNEY TO BETHLEHEM

7. Man, I’m starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

6. You guys ever eat camel meat?  I hear it tastes like goat.

5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

4. What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow?  Phoenician?

3. Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?

2. Okay, whose camel just spit?

1. All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

One Liner

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.

CHRISTMAS COOKIE RULES

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie-free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend’s first cookie is calories free (see rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five – one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching “A Christmas Story” have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes caloric leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else’s plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories.

One Liner

If Santa ran out of money, would he be Saint Nickel-less?

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir. 

After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, “I will have you sing tenor.” 

“You mean right next to the baritones,” I asked? 

“No,” he said, “I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir.”

One Liner

I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!