Monthly Archives: December 2021

Humor – December 22

It was the night of the children’s Christmas play and little Johnny was upset because he didn’t get the part of Joseph. He was assigned the inn keeper.

Because he was still bitter, when Joseph and Mary arrived at the inn to ask if there was room, little Johnny threw the play by saying, “Sure, come on in!”

Joseph was at first taken aback, but with quick wit, stepped in, looked around and said, “This place is a dump. I’d rather stay in the barn.”

One Liner

Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf. 

Humor – December 21

THE GIFTS NOT WANTED

~ The Duncan Yo — Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.

~ 5,200 Pick Up — a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game.

~ Super Soaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.

~ Doggie Dentist — Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.

~ Cuisin-Art — Turns mommy’s food processor into a spinning paint tool.

~ Chocolate Covered Lead Soldiers.

One Liner

Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

Humor – December 20

Elf: “Santa, we’ve finished making mints for every child.”

Santa: “Mints?”

Elf: “Yeah, you said make Altoids.”

Santa: “I said make all toys.”

Elf: “Altoids!”

Santa: “All toys.”

Elf: “Well this is a disappoint-mint.”

One Liner

Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.

Humor – December 17

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you. Someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”

One Liner

Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

Humor – December 15

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

One Liner

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Humor – December 13

MESSAGES FROM KIDS TO THE MILITARY

“My life is great and I love my family I get to be with because your life is awful.”

“Fingers crossed you make it friend.”

“I’m Jenny from third grade and if you die it’s going to be okay.”

“Dear hero, thank you for your service, I sent some candy but don’t eat too much or you won’t be able to run away fast enough.”

“My teacher said I had to write something. Enjoy the candy.”

“Dear deployed person, hope they don’t make you stay deployed, good luck!”

One Liner

Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.