It was the night of the children’s Christmas play and little Johnny was upset because he didn’t get the part of Joseph. He was assigned the inn keeper.
Because he was still bitter, when Joseph and Mary arrived at the inn to ask if there was room, little Johnny threw the play by saying, “Sure, come on in!”
Joseph was at first taken aback, but with quick wit, stepped in, looked around and said, “This place is a dump. I’d rather stay in the barn.”
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.
THE GIFTS NOT WANTED
~ The Duncan Yo — Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.
~ 5,200 Pick Up — a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game.
~ Super Soaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
~ Doggie Dentist — Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
~ Cuisin-Art — Turns mommy’s food processor into a spinning paint tool.
~ Chocolate Covered Lead Soldiers.
Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?
Elf: “Santa, we’ve finished making mints for every child.”
Elf: “Yeah, you said make Altoids.”
Santa: “I said make all toys.”
Santa: “All toys.”
Elf: “Well this is a disappoint-mint.”
Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you. Someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”
Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.
Two friends are chatting…
“I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish.”
“What is your wish?”
“That somebody would give me two million dollars.”
Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”
Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”
It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
MESSAGES FROM KIDS TO THE MILITARY
“My life is great and I love my family I get to be with because your life is awful.”
Fingers crossed you make it friend.”
“I’m Jenny from third grade and if you die it’s going to be okay.”
“Dear hero, thank you for your service, I sent some candy but don’t eat too much or you won’t be able to run away fast enough.”
My teacher said I had to write something. Enjoy the candy.”
“Dear deployed person, hope they don’t make you stay deployed, good luck!”
Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.