Category Archives: Uncategorized

Humor – November 25

THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER 

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more 

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the DVD when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the DVD and turn on the regular TV. 

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. 

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

One Liner
I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

Humor – November 24

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. 

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” 

“You’re on, old-timer,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.” 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

One Liner
I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add. 

Humor – November 23

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

One Liner
Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Johnny wrote, “I’m thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Humor – October 30

On a recent flight, an airhead passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all the airhead could see was the blinking wing-tip light and rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”

One Liner
You wouldn’t know an act of kindness if it hit you in the face.

Humor – September 25

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

One Liner
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

Humor – September 18

We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. 

When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman, standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled. 

“She doesn’t know who Superman is?” I whispered to my husband. 

“Worse,” he replied. “She doesn’t know what a phone booth is.” 

One Liner
After the Sunday school teacher told the story of the Prodigal Son to the class, she asked, “Was anyone sorry when the Prodigal Son returned?” 

One boy answered, “The fatted calf.” 

Humor – September 17

One year, Little Johnny’s family was having the extended family 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic – they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Little Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. 

Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back – just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close!  That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

One Liner
One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together. It will be called YouTwitFace.

Humor – September 16

While driving down in Texas, a guy hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. He felt bad and tracked down the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. 

He asked him what the calf was worth and said she would pay for it. “Oh, about $200 today,” replied the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $1,000. So $1,000 is what I知 out.”  

The guy went back to his car, wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Okay,” he said, “Here is the check for $1,000. It’s postdated six years from now.”  

One Liner
Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.

Humor – September 15

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!” 

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

One Liner
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully…

Humor – September 14

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. 

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’ 

One Liner
“Save the earth…..It’s the only planet with chocolate!” 🙂