Category Archives: Uncategorized

Humor – December 10

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR HUSBAND DOESN’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10.  Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage

9.  Any knick-knack

8.  Tickets to the ballet

7.  Another new tie

6.  A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket

5.  New teddy bear pajamas

4.  Vacuum cleaner

3.  A weekend seminar on “Getting in Touch With Your Feelings”

2.  Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers

1.  A nose and ear hair trimmer

One Liner
I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!

Thought for the day
Thinkers also need to be careful to practice what they know. If you know it, then do it! James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says”

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Humor – December 7

Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.

In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreaded exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot,
No longer caring that my nerves were all shot.
I stared at my notes, but my thoughts they were muddy,
My eyes went a blur, I just couldn’t study.

“Some pizza might help,” I said with a shiver,
But each place I called refused to deliver.
I’d nearly concluded that life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.

When all of a sudden, our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,
She wore a white toga, she started to bellow:

“What kind of student would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?”
“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year’s exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, and last minute crams!”

Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.
Happy finals to all, and to all, a good test!”

One Liner
I absolutely refuse to be assertive!

Thought for the day
Proverbs 20:25 says, “It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one’s vows” (NIV). It is a trap to decide without deliberating, to make a promise without pondering, to make a commitment without first considering the cost.

Humor – December 6

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE DURING CHRISTMAS

~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder.

~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.

~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e.g., “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.”)

~ Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front teeth…”

~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”

~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”

One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Thought for the day
“Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom” Proverbs 3:7a

Why? Because God is God, and you’re not.

Humor – December 5

Q:  What do we have in December that we don’t have in any other month?

A:  The letter “D”!

Q:  What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A:  Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

One Liner
We had cured ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

Thought for the day
 “Hard work is worthwhile, but empty talk will make you poor” Proverbs 14:23

God’s warning for talkers is this: You also have to act.

Humor – December 4

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10.  A car wash kit

9.  A table saw

8.  Two all-day passes to Best Buy’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7.  A case of oil

6.  Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5.  Custom engraved bowling ball

4.  New outboard motor for fishing boat

3.  Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2.  New satellite dish with sports package

1.  Three-year membership to Weight Watchers Clinic

One Liner
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

Thought for the day
“You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength” Mark 12:30

Another way to say this is, love God with all your talk, all your feelings, all your thinking, and all of your acting. God shaped you to primarily be a talker, feeler, thinker, or a doer.

Humor – December 3

Pet Pet-Peeves

1. Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”

2. Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”

3. Cat: “Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it’s curtains.”

4. Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease — but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?”

5. Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”

6. Dog: “What the … HEY!!! I didn’t even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!”

7. Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There’s* a new one!”

One Liner
Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open Windows.

Thought for the day
Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (NIV).

This is the law of the harvest: There is always a delay between sowing and reaping. You plant in one season, and you reap in another. God wants to see if you’re going to keep cultivating, planting, and sowing. If he sees consistency in your life, then the harvest will come.


Humor – November 28

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2018 WHEN…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

One Liner
If you think you know something, find someone who disagrees and listen to them.

Thought for the day
“God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20 NCV).

When we want God to answer our prayers, we must be willing to not only let God answer whenever he thinks is best but also however he thinks is best. God’s ways are always better and bigger and higher.