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Humor – April 18


In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.

  1. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should
    A. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer
    B. Pretend that you’ve had a heart attack
    C. Crawl into the nearest chair
    D. Begin speaking in tongues.
  2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high “C” one measure too soon. You should:
    A. Slide into an inspired “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing.”
    B. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
    C. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
    D. Sink to the floor in shame.
  3. After all those long, hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:
    A. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistry.
    B. Enter pretending to be a sound man checking cables and then suddenly slip yourself into the choir.
    C. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the choir during the blackout.
    D. Read M. Stephen’s pamphlet “Techniques for Tardy Appearances.”
  4. While singing, you discover you have only one page of a two page hymn. You should:
    A. Hum for your life.
    B. Sing “watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.”
    C. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet.
    D. Sing the first page over again.
  5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of the choir special. You should:
    A. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbor’s foot to create a diversion.
    B. Try to make it harmonize.
    C. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the noise.
    D. Sink to the floor in shame.

Count the number of A’s, B’s, C’s, and D’s you checked and find your proficiency rating below:

4 or more A’s…there is nothing more you need to know to be a first-rate choir member.

4 or more B’s…your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir.

4 or more C’s…your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to most any choir.

4 or more D’s…it is recommended you take up soccer or group therapy counseling.

If at first you succeed, break it and start over again.

Thought for the day
John 10:27
“my sheep listen to my voice, I know them, and they follow me”

True disciples hear the Lord’s voice and follow him. They neither complain nor rebel. They obey. Simply put, discipleship is total obedience to Christ.


Humor – April 17

This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’? He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

One Liner
“There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery.” – Colonel Sanders

Thought for the day
“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I’d see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:13-14 NASB).

Everything God does for you, through you, to you, and in you, he does because he is a good God. God’s goodness in your life isn’t based on how good you are. It’s based on God’s character, not yours.

Humor – April 16

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.

As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and barking.

The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams.

The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but it certainly sounds as if I have the right number.”

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thought for the day
Mark 11:22-24, “Have faith in God! If you have faith in God and don’t doubt, you can tell this mountain to get up and jump into the sea, and it will. Everything you ask for in prayer will be yours, if you only have faith”

God has set up the universe in a hierarchy of laws, and the law of faith is actually a higher law than the laws of nature. That’s where miracles come in. Because when faith is used, the law of faith goes into practice, and the law of faith can actually do more than the laws of physics.

Humor – April 15

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.

The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her.”

Why is it called “rush hour” when nothing moves?

Thought for the day
Psalm 16:3
As for the saints who are in the land, 
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight

Could the psalmist be talking about the World Champion New Orleans Saints “saints in the land … they are the glorious ones” nah ….

Saints are people touched by God’s holiness. No one is saintly, or holy apart from God. Only God is holy.

Humor – April 12

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter says to this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute!” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

~ An apology is a good way to have the last word.

Thought for the day
Matthew 22:37-39
Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.

Christian life can be boiled down to two principles: love God with everything I am and have, and love others! Not too hard to understand. I guess it’s living it that is the challenge!

Humor – April 11

“Where’s my Sunday paper?!” the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

“Ma’am,” said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.”

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, as she was heard to mutter, “Well, that’s why no one was at church today!”

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Thought for the day
Psalm 119:130
The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.

Sometimes the right path is not so difficult to find, we just need to know where to begin our search — the reading of God’s words.


Humor – April 10

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?”

“Well,” said the Director, “We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Why do you turn the radio down in the car when you’re looking for a street address?

Thought for the day
I Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

If we bear the name of Christ then don’t be surprised at your suffering! Just remember that glory is just around the corner – so press on for Christ!!