Category Archives: Uncategorized

Humor – July 24

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.

“Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Are you giving up?”

One Liner
All the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth.

Thought for the day
Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. With them alone he shares the secrets of his promises”  Psalm 25:14 TLB

Many people don’t know God. They haven’t experienced God’s love. They don’t know why he does what he does. Yet, the Bible says that friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him—in other words, those who slow down and spend time with him.

 

Humor – July 23

Who is smarter, you or your dog?

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works… If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

One Liner
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Thought for the day
“God is not a God of disorder but of peace”  1 Corinthians 14:33 NIV

He is not the author of confusion. So if you’re feeling confused, guess what? It’s not God’s voice speaking in your life.

Humor – July 22

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.

One day, when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. “I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.

Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”

One Liner
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Thought for the day
Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters—a pathway no one knew was there!”  Psalm 77:19 NLT.

The Bible says God actively works through our circumstances. And so we cannot judge our situation apart from God’s wisdom. In other words, we must leave it up to God to interpret our circumstances.

 

Humor – July 21

One year, Little Johnny’s family was having the extended family 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic – they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Little Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly.

Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back – just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close!  That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

One Liner
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Thought for the day
“For God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son so that anyone who believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” John 3:16 TLB

God loves you so much that he sent Jesus on a mission of love with a message of love. The Bible doesn’t say God has love; it says God islove. Love is his nature; God is love.

Humor – July 20

Parent #1: “What did your daughter take in college?”

Parent #2: “Every penny I’ve got.”

One Liner
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Thought for the day
“Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty” Proverbs 21:5 NLT

If you want God to use you in great ways, you need focus. The more focused you are, the more effective you’ll be—and the more God will use you.

Humor – July 17

An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates.

“Man,” he says to Saint Peter, “I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it’s time for some much needed R and R.”

Saint Peter looks at him and says “Didn’t you hear? You have a new agenda!”

“Agenda?” says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet. “Where is it?!”

Saint Peter smiles and says “Oh, it’s on the cloud now!”

One Liner
One of the lessons of life is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Humor – July 16

Ms. Jones, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Dewey raised his hand. The teacher called on Dewey for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, little Dewey answered, “A lawyer.”

One Liner
On one hand, I’m indecisive; but on the other, I’m not.

Humor – July 15

A customer in a New York restaurant gushed to the chef:  “Your veal parmigiana is superb!  I spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there.”

“Naturally,” the chef said. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”

One Liner
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

Humor – July 14

An airhead calls to order a pizza.  The clerk asks, “Do you want that cut in six or 12 pieces?”

The airhead answers, “Oh just six – I could never eat 12 pieces of pizza!”

One Liner
I can’t complain. But sometimes I still do.

Thought for the day
“Lord, take notice of the threats they have made, and allow us, your servants, to speak your message with all boldness”  Acts 4:29 GNT

The answer to your fear isn’t to give in to it. It’s to move forward boldly in spite of it. You stand up to the fear. Fear doesn’t respond to logic, so your only chance to get rid of the fear is to trust God and face the fear.

Humor – July 13

While driving truck I once had to make a delivery to Death Valley, California.

When I arrived it was 128 degrees Fahrenheit. After just a few minutes I was so miserable I was afraid I was going to die.

After a couple hours, it was still 128 degrees, but I was so miserable that I was afraid I wasn’t going to die.

One Liner
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Thought for the day
“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” Philippians 2:4 NIV

If you want to connect with people, you start with their needs, not your own. Start with theirhurts, not your own. Start with what they want, not what you want. There’s an old Chinese saying that says this: “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.”