Category Archives: Uncategorized

Humor – June 13

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor.” Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down…I think there’s yet another one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern . . . It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”

One Liner  
*”Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them till they’re in their 40s.”

Thought for the day
“First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye” Matthew 7:5

Because we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict.

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Humor – June 12

Lenora, 95-years-old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried: “Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where *I* went!”

One LINER
A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.

Thought for the day
“Look out for one another interests, not just for your own” (Philippians 2:4 GNT).

The phrase “look out for” is the Greek word skopos, from which we form our words “telescope” and “microscope.” It means to pay close attention! Focus on the other person’s feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions.

Humor – June 11

Priest Twin

Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.

As he approached the first pew where the deceased’s relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, “Brother or sister?”

“Cousin,” she replied.

One Liner
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.

Thought for the day
“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” Proverbs 19:11

Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others.


Humor – June 10

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

One LINER
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Thought for the day
Psalm 23:1
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

The Lord is … the Lord always has been is and the Lord always will be is! Whatever you need just fill in the blank – To the baker the Lord is the bread of life, to the traveler the Lord is the way, to the judge the Lord is the truth, to the sinner the Lord is the Lamb of God that takes away the sin of the world. Just fill in the blank _________

Humor – June 7

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

One LINER
~ Drop a piano on an Army base and I’ll show you A-flat major!

Thought for the day
Romans 1:16
For I am not ashamed of the gospel: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

Paul was on fire for the gospel.  His life centered around it.  Thus he proclaimed it boldly day in and day out.

Humor – June 6

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped

him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the cab driver and said he didn’t
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault.  Today is
my first day driving a cab.  I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

One LINER
Most friction in life is caused by the tone of the voice.

Thought for the day
Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, 
I will trust in you.

A great verse – one we taught our children when they were small – but one we all claim today as adults!

Humor – June 5

As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

One LINER
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Thought for the day
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

It is naive to think that trusting in God solves all of our problems — Christians have many of the same problems that unbelievers do because they share the same mortal flesh. On the other hand it’s true that if we trust in God, we believe our work stands or falls in his hands and that ultimately we will share in his victorious and glorious presence. It means our lives will not be lived in vain. That’s not just confidence, but it’s the foundation to true peace — life lived to its fullest and richest knowing that it matters and we don’t need to be anxious about its results.