Category Archives: Uncategorized

Humor – February 11

AMISH VIRUS ALERT!!!
You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files and post your name, mother’s maiden name, and social security number at sites all across the Internet. Thank thee.

One Liner
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Thought for the day
“Not a single one of all the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; everything he had spoken came true” Joshua 21:45 NLT

When you can’t count on anything else, you can count on the promises of God.

Humor – February 10

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they’d give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,

“If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, please step forward…”

One Liner
“Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that  . . .’This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.'”

Thought for the day
“I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us” Romans 8:38-39 The Message

No matter what you’re going through, God and his love are right there with you.

That truth offers stability in any storm.

Humor – February 7

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school.”

“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

One Liner
Parental Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from the children.

Thought for the day
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” Psalm 23:4 NIV

God’s presence is the greatest anchor in any situation.

Humor – February 6

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”

The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”

“A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

One Liner
Don’t trust anyone over 30 who used to say, “Don’t trust anyone over 30.”

Thought for the day
‘Master,’ Simon replied, ‘we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again’” Luke 5:5 NLT

Simon Peter did what Jesus told him to do. He didn’t do it because it was a smart or popular idea. He did it because God said to do it. He didn’t argue or hesitate.

Humor – February 5

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This “Fire Help.” Me Groog.

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh.

You hit them together?

Ugh.

What happen?

Fire not work.

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing.

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave*

One Liner
I’ve been counting calories for six months now. I don’t know about my figure, but my arithmetic’s improving.

Thought for the day
“‘Master,’ Simon replied, ‘we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again’” Luke 5:5 NLT

We all suffer setbacks at work from time to time. But sometimes the simplest step from setback to comeback is just two words: Obey God.

Humor – February 4

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  One little boy seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down holding his side and asked, “Kevin, what is the matter? Are you feeling ill?”

Little Kevin responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m about to have a wife.”

One Liner
My sister didn’t believe that I could build a car out of spaghetti …. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

Thought for the day
“Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles and the judgments he uttered.” 1 Chronicles 16:12 ESV

David was singing. He had just defeated the Philistines and brought the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem where it belonged.  He was rejoicing and worshiping as he remembered.

Humor – February 3

Imagine this scene: God sitting on His thrown. A man standing in front of him next to scores of blackboards, whiteboards, electronic displays, and the like.  God is looking at the man with a very bored expression on His face.

He addresses the man, “Okay, I said you could have all the time you needed to make your point. Time is nothing to me here. But explain to me once again how your presentation proves I don’t exist!”

One Liner
Vegetarian: Native American word meaning “lousy hunter.”

Thought for the day
“There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake” Ecclesiastes 7:20 GNT

We’ve all made mistakes. It’s not just a “you problem”; it’s a human problem.