About a week ago, I saw an Internet column about eliminating paperwork clutter.

Great!

So I printed out the instructions and put them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk.

Now I can’t find them.

One Liner

Thank the Lord for Facebook & Instagram. Otherwise I’d have to call 674 people every day to tell them I just went to the gym.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

(You sang it, didn’t you? Yeah, I know you did.)

One Liner

If you bought 30 rolls of toilet paper, then you owe your church 3 rolls. Tithing is not cancelled.

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

“Sam, you’re in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger,” says the doctor.

“Who asked you to make me younger?” says Sam. “You just make sure I get older!”

One Liner

A flashlight simultaneously comforts you with light and unsettles you with random shadows.

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”

Me: “Certainly, what width?”

Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Um, scissors??”

One Liner

Describe yourself in three words: 1. Lazy

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” 

The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”   

She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

One Liner

It disgusts me the way some people cheat on their income taxes.  This is NOT the kind of world in which I want to raise my 32 dependents!

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”

I replied, “Sure, it does. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

One Liner

A co-worker asked me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So, the next day I wore tap shoes to work.