Category Archives: Uncategorized

Humor – May 21

humor, Uncategorized

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer.

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed ‘control’ and ‘enter’
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I’ve searched through the Recycle Bin
And files of every kind;
I’ve even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found ‘online.’

So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’
My Grandma you should see,
Please ‘Copy’, ‘Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her
And send her back to me!

One Liner

Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However donations are welcome!  Beginning May 21, readers have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services.

Thank you for being a loyal reader – and make sure you pass the humor along!!

Humor – May 14

humor, Uncategorized

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

One Liner

Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However, several have asked about making a donation.  So beginning May 21, readers will have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services. Thank you for being a loyal reader – and make sure you pass the humor along!!

Humor – March 28

Uncategorized

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven.”

One Liner

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Humor – October 31

humor, Uncategorized

What do skeletons order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the scary movie?
He didn’t have the guts.

What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.

Where does a skeleton go for a fun night?
Anywhere, as long as it’s a hip joint.

Do you know any skeleton jokes?
Yes, but you wouldn’t find it very humerus.

What’s a skeleton’s favorite song?
“Bad to the Bone.”

One Liner

Why was Cinderella bad at football?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

Humor – October 26

Uncategorized

About a week ago, I saw an Internet column about eliminating paperwork clutter.

Great!

So I printed out the instructions and put them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk.

Now I can’t find them.

One Liner

Thank the Lord for Facebook & Instagram. Otherwise I’d have to call 674 people every day to tell them I just went to the gym.

Humor – September 6

Uncategorized

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

(You sang it, didn’t you? Yeah, I know you did.)

One Liner

If you bought 30 rolls of toilet paper, then you owe your church 3 rolls. Tithing is not cancelled.

Humor – September 5

Uncategorized

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

“Sam, you’re in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger,” says the doctor.

“Who asked you to make me younger?” says Sam. “You just make sure I get older!”

One Liner

A flashlight simultaneously comforts you with light and unsettles you with random shadows.

Humor – August 8

Uncategorized

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”

Me: “Certainly, what width?”

Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Um, scissors??”

One Liner

Describe yourself in three words: 1. Lazy