Category Archives: Uncategorized

Humor – May 15

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said “Good Morning” to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, “Ah, you’re Freshmen.”

Then he explained:

“When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they’re Freshmen.

“When they put their smart phones down and open their books, they’re Sophomores.

“When they look up so they can see the who’s talking from their smart phones, they’re juniors.

“When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they’re seniors.

“And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they’re graduate students.”

One Liner
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Thought for the day
“We are each responsible for our own conduct” Galatians 6:5 NLT

Your choices are far more powerful than your circumstances. You may not like how complicated your life has become. But with few exceptions, no one is forcing you to keep your life complicated.

You have the power to simplify your life. In fact, God expects us to assume responsibility for our lives and to carefully choose how we spend our time.

 

Humor – May 14

ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS

1.  If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.

2.  Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

3.  For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.

4.  Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

5.  For guests that say “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.

6.  Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

7.  If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

8.  For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.

10. Get enough sleep during the day.

One Liner
Teach your kids about taxes.  Eat 30% of their ice cream

Thought for the day
“You shall not covet . . . anything that belongs to your neighbor” Exodus 20:17 NIV

Coveting means the uncontrolled desire to acquire. It’s such an important sin to avoid that it’s included in the Ten Commandments. The word “covet” in Greek means “to grab or to grasp so tightly that your hands are tight; you can’t even let it go.” If God ever gives you something and he tells you to give it away and you can’t, you don’t own it — it owns you.

Humor – May 13

THOTS ABOUT CATS

~ Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, “Go ahead, you can make it.”

~ In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.

~ As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

~ There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

~ Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

~ Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.

~ There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

~ The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)

One Liner
Sign on a door: Push.  If that doesn’t work. Pull.  If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.

Thought for the day
“It is better to be satisfied with what you have than to be always wanting something else” Ecclesiastes 6:9 GNT

The first step in becoming a contented person is to stop comparing yourself to others. The problem is that comparing is America’s favorite indoor sport! We naturally do it all the time.

You also must learn to admire without having to acquire. You need to learn to rejoice in other people’s prosperity without getting jealous and envious and feeling like you have to have it, too.

Humor – May 12

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by
reading from his prepared text:

“I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on
my life. She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than
words could ever do justice.”

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up
with a sly grin and said, “Sorry, but it’s really hard to read my mother’s
handwriting.”

One Liner
Too many people work up a head of steam before they find out what’s cooking.

Thought for the day
“Let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up” Galatians 6:9 NLT

There are many things that work to keep us from completing our life missions. Over the years, I’ve debated whether the worst enemy is procrastination or discouragement. If Satan can’t get us to put off our life missions, then he’ll try to get us to quit altogether.

Humor – May 11

Teacher: “Which is the best month to study?”

Student: “Octembruary.”

Teacher: “Don’t be silly. There’s no month like that.”

Student: “Exactly….”

One Liner
Bottomless pit of needs and wants.

Thought for the day
Jeremiah 9:23-24, “The wise should not boast of their wisdom, nor the strong of their strength, nor the rich of their wealth. If any want to boast, they should boast that they know and understand me” 

Why? Because that’s what life is all about. Knowing God is what matters most. The God of the universe loves you and wants to have a relationship with you. Getting close to God will give you peace and perspective. Now that’s good news

Humor – May 8

For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $11.50, my friend couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents.”

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

One Liner
Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Thought for the day
“Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ” Philippians 3:8 NLT

Are you doing that? Are you seeking God with all your heart every day?

Remember: You are as close to God as you choose to be. You’re going to become a friend of God when you want to become a friend of God.

Humor – May 7

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

“What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me.  She was talking to the doctor!”

One Liner
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step – blaming my parents.

Thought for the day
“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free” Galatians 5:13 NIV

Freedom is your calling. God doesn’t want you to live a buttoned-down, constrained life. He wants you to have an abundant life.