Monthly Archives: July 2015

Humor – July 22

On a mountain climbing expedition the Swiss guide warned an American tourist, “Be especially careful not to fall – it’s a dangerous place. But if you do fall,” he added nonchalantly, “remember to look to the right – the view is extraordinary.”

One Liner
Success is 10% inspiration, 90% last-minute changes.

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will GROW STRONG spiritually: “I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one” (John 17:15, NLT).

Humor – July 21

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your anesthesiologist.”

One Liner
My husband was delighted when our 3-year-old daughter climbed up onto his knee and said, “Daddy, you’re handsome.” But his grin quickly faded when she added, “and I’m Gretel.”

Thought for the day
Forgiveness. Romans 5:15 says, “For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ” (NLT). The first thing Jesus did was wipe out everything you’ve ever done wrong. It’s forgiven! There is no condemnation.

Humor – July 20

My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”

One Liner
Birthdays are good for you … the more you have the longer you live.

Thought for the day
Eternal life. God has long-range plans for you. The Bible says in Romans 6:23, “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (NIV). You’re never going to work your way or earn your way into Heaven. The only way you’ll ever get into Heaven is by God’s free gift that you accept by faith.

Humor – July 17

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, ‘I Shall Not Be Moved.’

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, ‘Jesus Paid It All.’

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was ‘I Love To Tell The Story.’

The preacher became disgusted over the situation and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang ‘Oh, Why Not Tonight.’

When the preacher resigned the next week he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus.’

One Liner
Silence is Golden unless you have a toddler; then, silence is just suspicious.

Thought for the day
The Holy Spirit. Romans 5:5 says, “God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” How do you know when you’re letting God live through your life? When you embody the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Humor – July 16

Last night, I had a discussion with Kimberly about her life management skills (or lack thereof). I told her that I thought she should start making lists of things to do so she doesn’t forget anything.

Before bed, I saw her writing some things down and I smiled, “Is that your list for tomorrow, Kim?”

“Yep!!” (proud smile)

I totally forgot about her to-do list until after school when I found it on the kitchen table where she left it.

The first item on the list said:

“1. Take list out of my pocket.”

One Liner
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.

Thought for the day
“Fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable.” (Philippians 4:8 TEV)

Ignoring a temptation is far more effective than fighting it. Once your mind is on something else, the temptation loses its power. So when temptation calls you on the phone, don’t argue with it, just hang up!

Humor – July 15

Someone Else’s Obituary

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.

Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person’s share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s list, “Let Someone Else do it.”

Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; “Someone Else can work with that group.” It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember — we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore.

Author Unknown

One Liner
“There aren’t enough days in the weekend.”
~ Steven Wright

Thought for the day
“When Esther’s servants told her what Mordecai was doing, she was deeply disturbed.” Esther 4:4 (TEV)

A key to discovering your destiny is to identify the needs that stir your heart. What is it that upsets you? What causes you to think, “Somebody ought to do something about that”?

Humor – July 14

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

One Liner
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:”, I always put “A doctor.”

Thought for the day
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:68–69 (NIV)

Even if we don’t understand God’s plan, we need to respond to his direction. In fact, when we don’t understand God’s plan, it is even more important to do exactly what he directs us to do.

Humor – July 13

A old snake goes to see his doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes. Can’t see well these days.” The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.

The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem — didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I’ve been married to a water hose the past two years!”

One Liner
The greatest of all faults is to imagine you have none.

Thought for the day
The Lord frees us through his Word. Jesus said this in John 8:31-32: “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (NLT). God’s Word will unlock all you’ve been made to do and be. Through it, you’ll be able to do things you’ve never thought possible.