Monthly Archives: July 2015

Humor – July 25

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.

“Jury trial,” the defendant replied.

“Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge.

“Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”

One Liner
If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.

Thought for the day
I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)

Knowing the truth – that God knows everything in your life, can either be very disturbing or very comforting. It depends on your relationship to Him, whether you’re trying to fool Him or not.

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Humor – July 24

A preacher was made aware that he had a deacon in his church who was from time to time known to cuss.

In his attempt to help the deacon overcome this terrible habit, the preacher decided he should spend some personal time with the deacon so they could have a long talk about the problem. The preacher decided to ask the deacon to go fishing thinking that might provide an opportunity to talk.

They were out in a boat and had their lines in the water when the preacher hooked a BIG one. It put up a mighty fight, but finally he reeled the fish up to the edge of the boat. It was the biggest fish the preacher had ever caught. But, just as the minister started to pull his catch into the boat, the fish slipped off the hook and got away.

Thoroughly disgusted, the preacher looked over and said, “Deacon, somethin’ needs to be said here!”

One Liner
I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will EXPERIENCE FELLOWSHIP with other believers: “My prayer is that they will be of one heart and mind, just as you and I are one, Father … and the world will believe you sent Me” (John 17:21, LB).

Humor – July 23

I should have figured it out sooner.

It’s the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, “FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”

I have gotten rid of THAT shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish detergent.

Its label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved! It sure pays to read the label…

One Liner
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Thought for the day
God saw that human evil was out of control. People thought evil, imagined evil evil, evil, evil from morning to night. God was sorry that he had made the human race in the first place; it broke his heart. … But Noah was different. God liked what he saw in Noah. Genesis 6:5-6, 8 (MSG)

If you intend to do anything significant with your life, it’s going to be in spite of culture rather than because of the culture. Everything in our culture tempts you into short-term thinking. Most of us are not thinking in terms of the next ten years; we’re not even thinking about next year or next month. We think about today.

Humor – July 22

On a mountain climbing expedition the Swiss guide warned an American tourist, “Be especially careful not to fall – it’s a dangerous place. But if you do fall,” he added nonchalantly, “remember to look to the right – the view is extraordinary.”

One Liner
Success is 10% inspiration, 90% last-minute changes.

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will GROW STRONG spiritually: “I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one” (John 17:15, NLT).

Humor – July 21

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your anesthesiologist.”

One Liner
My husband was delighted when our 3-year-old daughter climbed up onto his knee and said, “Daddy, you’re handsome.” But his grin quickly faded when she added, “and I’m Gretel.”

Thought for the day
Forgiveness. Romans 5:15 says, “For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ” (NLT). The first thing Jesus did was wipe out everything you’ve ever done wrong. It’s forgiven! There is no condemnation.

Humor – July 20

My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”

One Liner
Birthdays are good for you … the more you have the longer you live.

Thought for the day
Eternal life. God has long-range plans for you. The Bible says in Romans 6:23, “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (NIV). You’re never going to work your way or earn your way into Heaven. The only way you’ll ever get into Heaven is by God’s free gift that you accept by faith.