Monthly Archives: August 2019

Humor – August 21

While eating at an outdoor cafe in the historic district, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece. After finishing his meal, we went up to the owner and offered him two dollars for the cat.

“It’s not for sale,” said the owner.

“Now, now” said the collector, “that cat is just ugly and no one would want it, but I’m eccentric. I like to help out underprivileged animals. I’ll raise my offer to five dollars.”

“It’s a deal,” said the proprietor with a smile, and pocketed the five on the spot.

“For that amount I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer,” said the connoisseur. “The little kitten seems so content drinking from it.”

“No way,” said the owner. “That’s my lucky saucer. I’ve already sold 26 cats so far this week drinking from it!”

One Liner
God’s retirement plan is out of this world.

Thought for the day
“You have six days in which to do your work, but the seventh day is a day of rest dedicated to me” (Exodus 20:9-10 GNT).

Sunday is our Sabbath, which simply means a “day of rest.” Here are three things to do on your Sabbath.  1. Rest your body 2. Recharge your emotions and 3. Refocus your spirit.

Humor – August 20

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place — the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”

“Yes, Reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

One Liner
What goes up and down without moving?
Stairs

Thought for the day
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” Matthew 5:43-44 NIV

When people hurt you, they expect you to retaliate. They expect you to seek revenge. But God wants you to do the exact opposite. He wants you to respond in love. Respond to mistreatment with love, and you keep the other person from controlling you.

Humor – August 19

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a  month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

One Liner
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

Thought for the day
Romans 5:3 says, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance” (NLT). You can be happy even in the middle of pressure and trials and troubles and tribulation. Why? Notice the phrase “for we know.” Happiness in life depends on what you know, not what you go through.

God’s much more interested in your character than your comfort. He wants you to grow more like him while you’re here on Earth because the only thing you’re taking to heaven is you. How does he do it? Through all these problems and trials that you face. You can know in the midst of them that he is developing patient endurance in you, and he will use your suffering for your good and the good of others.

Humor – August 16

PARENTAL EXCUSES

These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from missing school (includes original spelling):

~ Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

~ Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

~ I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

~ Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

~ Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

~ Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

One Liner
The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological – one is Psycho and the other is Logical; now please don’t try to figure out Who is Who.

Thought for the day
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35 NIV).

Each of us has a life message that God wants us to share with the world. Sharing the message is part of our life’s mission. When we share that message with other people, it’s called witnessing.

Humor – August 15

PARENTAL EXCUSES

These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from missing school (includes original spelling):

~ My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

~ Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

~ Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

~ Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

~ John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

~ Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

~ Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

~ Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

~ Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

One Liner
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Thought for the day
“If one part suffers, every part suffers with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26 NIV). Community is God’s answer to despair.

Humor – August 14

This was developed as an intelligence test by a research and development department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the THIRD word in each line from the top down to determine your intelligence.

One Liner
You have a seatbelt; has it hugged you today?

Thought for the day
“And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him” (Colossians 2:6 NLT).

The Bible often compares life to a walk, because life is a journey. We’re not sitting still. Throughout the New Testament, we are told to walk in wisdom, love, light, and obedience. We’re told to walk as Jesus walked. We’re also told to walk alongside other people.


Humor – August 13

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.  Yup

Now you see my point of why I want to be a bear.

One Liner
What is the favorite month of lumberjacks? SepTIIIIMMBBEERRRR!!!!

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (NIV).

Forgiveness is a two-way street. You cannot receive what you are unwilling to give.

Humor – August 12

Three burly fellows on huge motorcycles pulled up to a highway cafe, where a truck driver, just a little guy, was perched on a stool quietly eating his lunch. As the three fellows came in, they spotted him, grabbed his food away from him, and laughed in his face. The truck driver said nothing. He got up, paid for his food, and walked out.

One of the three cyclists, unhappy that they hadn’t succeeded in provoking the little man into a fight, commented to the waitress: “Boy, he sure wasn’t much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Well I guess not.” Then, looking out the window, she added, “I guess he’s not much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles.”

One Liner
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 7:9, “Only fools get angry quickly and hold a grudge”(CEV)

You have to forgive those who’ve hurt you because resentment will control you