A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer.”

One Liner
“A hypocrite is someone who complains that there is too much sex and violence on his DVD.”

Thought for the day
“Christ is not one of many ways to approach God, nor is he the best of several ways; he is the only way.” – A. W. Tozer

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“Well you don’t expect me to work in the dark, do you?” he said.

One Liner
Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.

Thought for the day
“Think of the last thing you prayed about–were you devoted to your desire or to God? Determined to get some gift of the Spirit or to get at God? “Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” The point of asking is that you may get to know God better. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Keep praying in order to get a perfect understanding of God Himself.” – Oswald Chambers

I’m a high-school geometry teacher, and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.”

I noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.

“Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”

One Liner
I’ve learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

Thought for the day
You gain delight in God. “You will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand” (Psalm 16:11 NLT).Spending time with God will actually make you happier. Your quiet time is when you enjoy God. Knowing God is the secret to joy.

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked. “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably a life sentence.”

One Liner
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

Thought for the day
God has never made a person he didn’t love. Everybody matters to him. When Jesus stretched out his arms wide on the cross, he was saying, “I love you this much!”

“Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores?
They are pale skinny people who look half-dead.

In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people.
They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.” – Bill Cosby

One Liner
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Thought for the day
God doesn’t bless dishonesty. The Bible says, “The Lord demands fairness in every business deal” (Proverbs 16:11 NLT). That includes wages, sales, and taxes.

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, “When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!”

“So how do you handle it?” his friend asked.

“I send him to MY room!”

One Liner
Normal people worry me.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33, NLT). Put God first in your life, and you’ll have more time. Whatever you need more of in your life, give God first place in that area.

During a game, the coach asked one of his young players: “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

Again, the boy nodded yes.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

One Liner
One man’s red tape is another man’s system.

Thought for the day
“Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I’ll come right in and sit down to supper with you” (Revelation 3:20, MSG). He’s your creator, redeemer, provider, sustainer, counselor, and comforter. God deserves our worship. We’d have nothing without God. Better yet, God wants your devotion, too! He wants to spend time with you.