A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I
“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”
“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to
squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to
write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer
for good clean fun.
A taxpayer received a strongly-worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
If you answer the phone with, Hello? Youre on the air! most telemarketers will hang up.
A man giving a long-winded speech finally says: “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”
A voice from the crowd says: “There’s a calendar behind you.”
That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.
Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, “It was Mom.”
“How do you know?”
“She didn’t say anything.”
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”
Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.
“We have your son,” said the kidnapper.
“I don’t have a son,” says the woman.
“Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?”
“Oh no, you have my husband.”
Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. Made an appointment for me next Wednesday.
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.
The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.
Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, “You got the right place.”
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
A family who had some visitors coming to lunch and they wanted to show-off to their visitors how well they had bought up their children and how well their children prayed.
So when it came to lunch, they said to their son, “Johnny, why don’t you pray?”
Johnny looked rather embarrassed and he said, “I can’t.”
So, the mother just whispered to him, “Johnny, just say what Daddy said at breakfast.”
So he shut his eyes and said, “Oh God, why do we have to have these awful people over for lunch today?”
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
The pastor had been disturbed by a person who was a fast reader.
“We shall now read the Twenty-third Psalm in unison,” he announced.
“Will the lady who is always by ‘the still waters’ while the rest of us are in ‘green pastures,’ please pause until we catch up?”
One Liner |
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic and start running toward you, you’re old.
Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, “Where did you get all that blood from?”
The second bat replies, “Follow me. I’ll show you.”
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, “You see that wall over there?”
The hungry bat excitedly says, “Yes!”
Other bat says, “I didn’t.”
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.