A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH NOOO!”
The captain finally came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am SO sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in coach shouted, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”
My Saturday was going well until I realized it was Sunday.
A fellow was sitting in the doctor’s waiting room, and said to himself every so often, “Boy, I hope I’m sick!”
After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn’t stand it any longer, and asked, “Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Adams?”
The man replied, “I’d hate to be well and feel like this.”
The devil cannot get a stronghold on your life unless you give him a foothold.
The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.
“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”
A formalist is a man who can’t understand a theory unless it is meaningless.
My wife and teenage son belong to a local Tae Kwon Do club where they learn the strict rules of the discipline. The head instructor of the club is a highly-ranked black belt whose Tae Kwon Do title is “Sabumnim.” Away from class Sabumnim is a plumber named Dave.
One day, after making several futile attempts to unclog a blocked pipe, I called Dave to ask if he could stop by and take care of it. An hour later, he pulled up in his truck just as we were going out the door.
As he came up the walk, my wife and son, ever mindful of their martial-arts etiquette, stood rigidly at attention and bowed deeply from the waist. Dave gave a quick nod in return and went on into the house.
Just then, I saw my next-door neighbor standing in his yard, watching us with a perplexed look on his face. “Wow,” he said. “That guy must be one great plumber!”
I sometimes just make my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Ironically when I do, I get halfway to work before I realize I left my car at home.
A burglar decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.” He did so.
Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, “Can’t trust nobody no more!”
I had the beef noodle soup at my favorite Vietnamese restaurant for lunch…it was phonomeal!
15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2020…
~ Jumping on the bandwagon
~ Wading through paperwork
~ Running around in circles
~ Pushing your luck
~ Playing in traffic
~ Spinning your wheels
~ Adding fuel to the fire
~ Beating your head against the wall
~ Climbing the walls
~ Beating your own drum
~ Dragging your heels
~ Jumping to conclusions
~ Grasping at straws
~ Fishing for compliments
~ Throwing your weight around
~ Passing the buck
~ Running with scissors
My goal for 2021 is to accomplish the goals of 2020 which I should have done in 2019 because I made a promise in 2018 and planned in 2017.
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets and a flight to the Rose Bowl football game in Pasadena on New Year’s Day. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
“I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
A couple from the city went to a Dude Ranch while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn’t.
She replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.”
Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
OUR PETS DURING QUARANTINE
Please don’t walk me again. Watch Netflix. Read a book. But leave me alone.
This quarantine has me realizing why my dog gets so excited about something moving outside. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told no if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
Day 33 of quarantine and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Get a human they said. Hardly ever home they said.
Why are the annoying servants staying in my home all day now??
The human has been working from day the last few days. Every so often he lets me participate in his online meetings. All the other humans cheer when they see me. I am the only thing keep their company together.
Stay home. Practice social distancing. Clean yourself often. OH NO! We’re becoming cats!
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.