Category Archives: humor

Humor – October 6

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at George’s residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

[REMINDER…This is only humor, not advice…]

One Liner
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Humor – October 5

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. 

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. “Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution. “I’ll put down newspapers.” 

“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

One Liner
Daylight Savings Time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it? 

Humor – October 2

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the Senior Special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. 

“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.” 

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her. 

“You mean I’d have to pay more for NOT taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. 

“Yep” stated the waitress. 

“I’ll take the special,” my wife replied.

“How do you want your eggs?” 

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. 

She took the two eggs home.

One Liner
Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

Humor – October 1

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, “Well, I think Bill would be pleased.” 

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said Lynne. “All thirty thousand.” 

“No!” Sue exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?” 

Lynne replied, “Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.” 

Sue computed quickly and asked, “$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?” 

“Two and a half carats.”

One Liner
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Humor – September 30

BIRTHDAZE

~ He looks like a million bucks…after taxes

~ She’s discovered the secret of perpetual youth…she lies about her age.

~ She’s been pressing 30 so long, it’s pleated.

~ When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy……..about 10 years shy.

~ She wouldn’t try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

~ I’ve stopped exercising…pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

He’s so old….
..he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.
..he knew Baskin Robbins when he only had 2 flavors ..he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked “Urgent”

One Liner
My wife and I have decided we don’t want any children – if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow

Humor – September 29

An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates.

“Man,” he says to Saint Peter, “I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it’s time for some much needed R and R.”

Saint Peter looks at him and says “Didn’t you hear? You have a new agenda!”

“Agenda?” says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet. “Where is it?!”

Saint Peter smiles and says “Oh, it’s on the cloud now!”

[submitted by Doug and Cindy Wilkening]

One Liner
If you see somebody acting stupid — it might not be an act, it might be the real thing.

Humor – September 28

Everything is Wonderful

My face in the mirror
 Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty,
 The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
 And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
 Put my glasses back on.

One Liner
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure.

Humor – September 24

A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend’s house.

The host deftly carved the turkey and said, “I’d make a pretty good surgeon, don’t you think?”

The surgeon replied: “Anybody can take it apart.  Let’s see you put it back together again.”

One Liner
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else. 

Humor – September 23

A retired couple are sitting together at home, getting cuddly; he takes off his glasses & moves closer.

She: “Sweetie, without your glasses, you still look like that handsome young man I married.”

He: “Well, Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!” 

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

One Liner
Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.