A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.
“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, six single men, three widows, and four widowers stepped to the front.
Here’s to love, the only fire for which there is no insurance.
TEACHER: Why didn’t you study?
STUDENT: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer that are way too hot to work so there are only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we’re left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day – 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in your year; hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick for a minimum of 3 days; you’re left with 3 days in the year to study! Let’s say you only go out for 2 days…you’re left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday. That’s why I did
Teacher: Class dismissed.
Some people you’re glad to see coming; some people you’re glad to see going.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
Retired: Under new management. See spouse for details.
A young salesperson peeped into the office of someone who looked like a sales manager, muttered something, then started walking away. After retreating a little he seemed to change his mind and headed back to the door — where after some hesitation, he started to back away again. The sales manager, feeling sorry for the young man, and surprised that he was so badly trained, called him in.
“You’re a salesperson aren’t you? What are you selling?”
“Sir … uh … yes … I’m a salesman. I’m sorry to bother you. I was selling insurance, but I’m sure you don’t want any. Sorry to have wasted your time.”
Feeling sorry for the young bungler, the sales manager bought two policies to give the young salesman some confidence and then started teaching him about selling. He said: “You should have different pre-planned approaches for different kinds of”
“But I do, sir, the young salesman interrupted, the one I just used is my planned approach for sales managers. It always works. Thank you!”
Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.
Grandma: “Oh, what nice new boots! Where did you get them?”
Tot: “At the store.”
Grandma: “Which one?”
Tot: “Both of them.”
I’d lift weights, but they’re so heavy.
Sitting on the bank of a stream a young fisherman trolled his bait lazily in the water and chewed comfortably on a blade of grass.
“Catch anything yet?” asked the stranger.
“Nope,” murmured the fishermen.
“That’s strange. It appears to be such a fine stream for trout,” said the stranger.
“It must be,” replied the fishermen, “they refuse to leave it.”
You know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff.
“Boy,” said another player disgustingly, “I really hate playing cards with a bad loser.”
“He isn’t very pleasant,” another player said, raking in the chips, “but it’s better than playing with a good winner.”
What do you say to comfort a friend whos struggling with grammar? There, their, theyre.
The local hunting guide got his party hopelessly lost in the mountains and they were upset: “You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!”
“I am,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”
Here’s a bit of advice for you: Advi.
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can’t even hold a pen.”
“Certainly sir,’ said the younger man, “I’d be glad to.”
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘P.S., please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.’?”
Consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one will say individually.
Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic.
Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix.
2020: Stay away from negative people.
2021: Stay away from positive people.