Category Archives: humor

Humor – April 9

”Dentist Extras”
The Millers were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.

“No expensive extras, Doctor,” he ordered. “No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”

“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”

Mr. Miller turned to his wife…

“Show him your tooth, Honey.”

One LINER
During a recent company password audit, it was found that a certain air-head was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, the employee said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Thought for the day
John 18:36
Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place.”

Being a part of His kingdom is knowing God.

 

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Humor – April 8

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replied, “All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!”

The dentist said, “Well, that’s probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll have to make you a new one, and this time, I’ll use chrome”

“Why chrome?” asked the patient.

“It’s simple,” said the dentist. “Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”

One LINER
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you’re swimming and when you’re angry.

Thought for the day 
1 Peter 3:18
Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit.

Christ’s death is a great reminder that death is a matter of perspective and faith. I believe God raised Jesus from the dead.   HE IS ALIVE

Humor – April 5

The preacher was made aware that he had a deacon in his church who was from time to time known to cuss.

In his attempt to help the deacon overcome this terrible habit, the preacher decided he should spend some personal time with the deacon so they could have a long talk about the problem. The preacher decided to ask the deacon to go fishing, thinking that might provide an opportunity to talk.

They were out in a boat and had their lines in the water when the preacher hooked a big one. It put up a mighty fight, but finally he reeled the fish up to the edge of the boat. It was the biggest fish the preacher had ever caught. But, just as the minister started to pull his catch into the boat, the fish slipped off the hook and got away.

Thoroughly disgusted, the preacher looked over and said, “Deacon, somethin’ needs to be said here!”

One LINER
“Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can’t tell you where their children are tonight.”   – Lawrence Brotherton

Thought for the day 
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Don’t tell me what you think but what He already knows – Trust Him!!

Humor – April 4

I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.

He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it ………….

“I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.

“At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponent couldn’t seem to shake him.

“At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn’t help but notice that #23 stays very close to me – it’s like he’s guarding me!”

“Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble………………….AND THAT’S YOU!”

One LINER
You are not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately!

Thought for the day
Proverbs 27:1
Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.

Do you find yourself distracted from the urgent and important things of today by worrying about the problems of tomorrow and fantasizing about all the possibilities down the road? Isn’t it a waste of time to be anxious about those things you have no influence over? So why?

Humor – April 3

I don’t know why people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

One LINER
Today is the first day of the rest of your life – but so was yesterday and look how you messed that up.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 2:8-9
It is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.

Don’t you love gifts! I do!! The greatest gift we’ve ever received has nothing to do with our relationship or efforts. We didn’t earn it, deserve it, or purchase it. It’s a FREE gift from God!!! No way we can boast about this sacrificial gift.

Humor – April 2

No Nursing Home For Me
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.

6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And – you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?
So . . .
When I reach the Golden age,
I’ll face it with a grin —
Just forward all my email to:
me@Holiday_Inn!

One Liner
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

Thought for the day
“It is no shame to suffer for being a Christian. Praise God for the privilege of being called by his name!” (1 Peter 4:16 NLT).

You should never be embarrassed for standing for the truth and doing what’s right.

Humor – April 1 … April Fool’s Day

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– Got a ceiling fan? Put some little piles of talcum powder on top of the blades and wait for somebody to turn it on. It’ll be snowing indoors.

– Change your Facebook Status to “I’m Pregnant” or “I’m Engaged” and watch the April Fools LIKE & Comment away.

– Walk up to a friend at work or school and whisper, “They know.” Then quickly walk away. Most people will wrack their brains wondering what they did that people found out about.

– You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool’s joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor.

I don’t think I’ll worry about any April fool’s Day pranks, I’ll be too upset that it’s Monday.