Category Archives: humor

Humor – February 6

A woman’s husband died. He had $20,000 to his name.

After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend asked, “How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?”

The widow replied, “Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

The friend asked, “$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?”

The widow replied, “Three carats.”

One Liner
Fools rush in…and get all the best seats.

Thought for the day
“[Job’s] wife said to him, ‘Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die.’ But Job replied, ‘You talk like a godless woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?’ So in all this, Job said nothing wrong”(Job 2:9-10 NLT).

Job refused to become bitter and resentful. Bitterness prolongs pain. It doesn’t relieve it; it only reinforces it.

 

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Humor – February 5

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.

I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.

He laughed as he told me it meant “Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.”

One Liner
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Thought for the day
I came naked from my mother’s womb,’ [Job] said, ‘and I shall have nothing when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and they were his to take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.’ In all of this Job did not sin or revile God” (Job 1:21-22 TLB).

Grief is a part of life, but you can’t let a season of grief turn into a lifestyle of grief.

 

Humor – February 4

“Happy Songs”

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

course sign: “Please don’t find lost balls until they stop rolling.”

One LINER
Municipal golf course sign: “Please don’t find lost balls until they stop rolling.”

Thought for the day
“You have been bought and paid for by Christ, so you belong to him — be free now from all these earthly prides and fears” (1 Corinthians 7:23 TLB).

God says that you’re not only accepted, you’re also valuable.


Humor – February 1

Procrastinator’s Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

  1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
  3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
  4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.
  5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
  6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
  7. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
  8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
  9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
  10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.


One LINER
“Anyone who’s led a flawless life is hopelessly imperfect.”

Thought for the day
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV).

Being patient may try our patience, but we become stronger when we learn to love imperfect people. Patience frees us to develop godly diversity in our relationships, where we no longer require everyone to act and look and think the same way we do.

Humor – January 31

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [date of rejection letter].

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm’s Name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

One LINER
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 29:25
Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

Fear is such a paralyzing emotion. But our courage comes from the Lords – He will never forsake or leave you. So step out of fear’s paralysis and turn its nervous edge into power.

Humor – January 30

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish! Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said, ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me

One LINER
Before you criticize someone, make sure you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, you’re a mile away AND you have their shoes!

Thought for the day
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:6 (NLT)

God says, “I’ve got this great life planned for you and surely goodness and mercy will follow you through it, BUT that’s not all of it! I’ve got something planned at the end!”

Humor – January 28

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him.

Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again. She searched frantically … but never found the critter.

Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room. When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We have a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage.”

One Liner
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

Thought for the day
“In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery” (Proverbs 28:23 TLB).

It’s scary to speak the truth in love. The reason why we stuff our feelings and hide the issues in our relationships is because we fear the possible consequences. We let fear become greater than our love. Speaking the truth in love means taking a great risk! And because we don’t want to take that risk, we settle for superficial, shallow relationships.