Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on beds next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then says, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
A ship engine failed and no one could fix it, so they brought in a guy with 40 years experience. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine burst back into life.
The engine was fixed!
Seven days later the owners got his bill for $10,000.
“What?!” the owners said. “You hardly did anything. Send us an itemized bill.”
The reply simply said:
Tapping with a hammer: $2
Knowing where to tap: $9,998
A fool and his money are never around when you need them.
“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the
leftover meatloaf on the table from last night’s supper.
“Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people
would love to have a delicious supper like this? You should be ashamed of
yourself. Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking
the Lord for this delicious meal.”
“Thank you, Lord, for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister
Espresso may not be the answer, but it’s worth a shot.
People you do not want to hear say “OOPS!”
Your tax accountant.
The computer tech person.
The house painter.
The crew installing your roof.
If you’re having dinner with chess champion Magnus Carlsen, do not use a checkered tablecloth. It’ll take him two hours to pass the salt.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK
Gross pay: $1,222.02
Income Tax: $244.40
Outgo Tax: $45.21
State Tax: $61.10
Interstate Tax: $5.89
County Tax: $6.11
City Tax: $12.22
Rural Tax: $4.44
Back Tax: $1.11
Front Tax: $1.16
Side Tax: $1.61
Up Tax: $2.22
Down Tax: $1.11
Carpet Tacks: $.98
Stadium Tax: $.69
Flat Tax: $8.32
Ma’am Tax: $2.60
Parking Fee: $5.00
No Parking Fee: $10.00
Life Insurance: $5.85
Health Insurance: $16.23
Dental Insurance: $4.50
Mental Insurance: $4.33
Coffee Cups: $66.51
Floor Rental: $16.85
Chair Rental: $.32
Desk Rental: $4.32
Union Dues: $5.85
Union Don’ts: $3.77
Cash Advances: $.69
Cash Retreats: $121.35
Eastern Time: $9.00
Central Time: $8.00
Mountain Time: $7.00
Time Out: $12.21
Take Home Pay: $0000.02
(This is where the expression “my 2 cents” came from…)
People with hearing aids can mute you in real life.
Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease.
There was an occasion when we had lunch in an authentic Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.
She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.
“I’m afraid to ask,” she said, “but tell me anyway.”
Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, “This is a cheap dish – but good.”
In my car in the mall parking lot and a lady can’t find her car. Every time she holds her key in the air, I honk my horn.
A little boy had been pawing over a stationer’s stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”
The boy shook his head and answered, “Got anything like a blank report card?”
A toddler saw a heavily-tattooed man and exclaimed, “I bet his mother took away all HIS markers!”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replied, “In the region of $250,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good
sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums,
shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”
“Yes sir, I understand.”
“Good, Charlie. Now, would you please explain that to your father?”
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the