Years ago, when those digital signature/PIN pad gizmos were relatively new, I was in a checkout line at Walmart in Decatur, Texas. There was a sweet old lady in front of me, following the instructions the cashier patiently gave. With a bit of assistance, she’d managed to swipe her card and scrawl a signature with that awkward plastic pen.
Now the machine awaited confirmation, the typical “OK” and “Cancel” buttons displaying on its monochrome screen. “You have to tell it ‘OK’,” the cashier said.
The lady looked dubiously at the cashier, then at the newfangled gizmo. She gently cupped it with her hands, leaned forward, and said, “Ohhhh kaaayyyyy.”
Incredibly, the cashier kept a straight face as she tapped the ‘OK’ button for her client and wished her a great day. The cashier and I didn’t laugh until we had watched her shuffle away and I said, “I think that just changed my life.”
Overall, chickens have probably flown further as an airline meal than they have as a species.
A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.
“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”
“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”
“You sell them here?” the customer asks.
“Only $4 apiece,” says Morris.
The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.
“You didn’t eat enough, ” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.
“Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”
“You see?” says Morris. “You’re smarter already.”
Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen; he sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
I think the lady at the airline counter just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said,”展indow or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
I made a huge to-do list for today. Just not sure who’s gonna do it.
On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”
Shoutout to everyone who can remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember a password they set up yesterday. You are my people.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
Where does a skeleton go for a fun night?
Anywhere, as long as it’s a hip joint.
Do you know any skeleton jokes?
Yes, but you wouldn’t find it very humerus.
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.
Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window.
“Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”
One sign of old age is when you bend down to tie your shoe and ask if there’s anything else you can do while you’re down there.
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, “I can make this putt.”
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.
If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of ignorant.
Mom: “Johnny, it’s your turn to say Grace before dinner.”
Johnny: “But Mom — if I thank God for broccoli, won’t he know I’m lying?”
Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
“Latte” is French for you paid way too much money for coffee.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
It disgusts me the way some people cheat on their income taxes. This is NOT the kind of world in which I want to raise my 32 dependents!