Monthly Archives: January 2017

Humor – January 20

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!”
 
The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
 
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving, he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”
 
The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
 
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”
 
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he fell into the pool by accident.
 
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

One Liner
Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Thought for the day
Psalm 46:10 says, “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (GW).

I don’t know what you’re going to face this week. You don’t, either. But I can already tell you what God wants you to do:  Let go, and know! God is in control!! 

 

 

Humor – January 19

A little boy said to his mother and father, “I want a little baby sister. All my friends have baby sisters.” 

“Well, you pray for one, and if it’s God’s will, He will give you one.”
He prayed for months and finally forgot it.

Then one day they took him to grandmothers, and when he returned, his father took him to his mother’s bed.

His father pulled down the cover and said, “Look, son, a little baby sister.” 

Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.

“Son,” he said, “Aren’t you glad you have three baby sisters? Aren’t you glad you prayed for a baby sister?” 

“Yep,” the little boy replied, “but aren’t you glad I quit when I did?”

One Liner
“I’m a light eater – as soon as it’s light, I start to eat.”

– Art Donovan

Thought for the day
Surrendering to Jesus means laying down every area of your life. Jesus said, “If you insist on saving your life, you will lose it. Only those who throw away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” Mark 8:35

Humor -January 18

A golfer came home from a hard eighteen-hole golf match with some of his neighbors.

His wife greeted him and said, “Well, honey, did you win the game today?” 

“Well,” he said, “let’s put it this way. I got to hit the ball more times than anyone else.”

One Liner
“Vote for the man who promises the least. He will be the least disappointing.”

– Bernard Baruch

Thought for the day
“This will continue until we are . . . mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him” (Ephesians 4:13 CEV).

Becoming like Christ is a long, slow process of growth. Spiritual maturity is neither instant nor automatic; it is a gradual, progressive development that will take the rest of your life.

Humor – January 17

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$250 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”

One Liner
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong

Thought for the day
Psalm 46:10 says, “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (GW).

I don’t know what you’re going to face this week. You don’t, either. But I can already tell you what God wants you to do: Let go, and know. Let go of control, and know that God is in control. Let go, and know! This is the first step to serenity in your life.

 

Humor – January 16

A little boy said to his mother and father, “I want a little baby sister. All my friends have baby sisters.”

“Well, you pray for one, and if it’s God’s will, He will give you one.”
He prayed for months and finally forgot it.

Then one day they took him to grandmothers, and when he returned, his father took him to his mother’s bed.

His father pulled down the cover and said, “Look, son, a little baby sister.”
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
“Son,” he said, “Aren’t you glad you have three baby sisters? Aren’t you glad you prayed for a baby sister?”

“Yep,” the little boy replied, “but aren’t you glad I quit when I did?” 

One Liner
“I’m a light eater – as soon as it’s light, I start to eat.”

– Art Donovan

Thought for the day
“Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (Psalm 46:10 GW).

Every day, you have to decide who’s going to be in control of your life — you or God.

 

Humor – January 13

My sister has the courage–but not always the skills–to tackle any home-repair project. 

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
 
“I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained when she saw us.
 
“Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?” Dianne suggested.

 One Liner
“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true – some smaller countries are neutral.”

Thought for the day
“You come to him as living stones, a spiritual house that is being built into a holy priesthood” 1 Peter 2:5a

God says you are a priest.  You now have direct access to God. You don’t have to pray through anybody else. You don’t have to confess through anybody else. You don’t have to fellowship with God through anybody else. You can read your Bible, talk with the Lord, and fellowship directly with him.

Humor – January 12

KID TALK

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night: “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

One Liner
I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it’s procrastination

Thought for today
“Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception” Ephesians 4:22

There is no growth without change, there is no change without loss, and there is no loss without pain. If you are going to grow, you will have to change, and change means letting go of some old things in order to grab hold of some new things.