Monthly Archives: June 2017

Humor – June 20

Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)

7. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

8. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

One Liner
“I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone ‘hands free’ – now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive.”

Thought for the day
“It’s crucial that we keep a firm grip on what we’ve heard so that we don’t drift off” (Hebrews 2:1

The reason we must relearn lessons is that we forget them. Reviewing your spiritual journal regularly can spare you a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache

Humor – June 19

THE PRICE OF GAS IN FRANCE

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

See if you have deGaulle to forward this to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse. I hope this brought a chuckle. After all, ’tis the Cezanne to be jolly!

One Liner
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Thought for the day
“Three things will last forever — faith, hope, and love — and the greatest of these is love” 1 Corinthians 13:1

God says you need to focus on love because that’s all that’s going to last

Humor – June 16

The Senior Alphabet

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won’t float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A’s for arthritis; B’s the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure–I’d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next…

Oh, yes…

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there’re bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have — in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
and I’ve kept twenty-six doctors fully employed.

Humor – June 15

“Sugar Packets Announcement”

The Building Committee has been informed that opened sugar packets are being found in the nursery area.

We have had some serious problems with ants in the past and would like to avoid any recurrences if possible.

Coffee drinkers, please dispose of these packets properly.

If you are a coffee drinker but can’t read yet, please have your parents explain this to you.

One Liner
“If a line is the shortest distance between two points, why does waiting in line take so long?”

Thought for the day
“No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love” 1 Corinthians 13:3

God doesn’t say that loving relationships are an important part of your life. God says loving relationships are your life. That’s what life is all about. It’s all about love.

Humor – June 14

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and…yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

One Liner
Bacon is a vegetable.

Thought for the day
“Now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” Colossians 3:8

Those are like weapons of mass destruction.

Humor – June 13

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: “Mick! I lost me finger!”

“Have you now?” says Mick. “And how did you do it?”

“I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi…

Darn! There goes another one!”

One Liner
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don’t want to press your luck.

Thought for the day
“Now that the worst is over, we’re pleased we can report that we’ve come out of this with conscience and faith intact, and can face the world — and even more importantly, face you with our heads held high. But it wasn’t by any fancy footwork on our part. It was God who kept us focused on him, uncompromised” 2 Corinthians 1:12

Your circumstances cannot change the character of God. God’s grace is still in full force. He is still for you, even when you don’t feel it.

 

Humor – June 12

The Mayor’s Burden

One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law’s political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.

The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, “Hey, do you know who I am?”

The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor’s office. “Tell the mayor,” he said to the secretary, “that his brother-in-law is down here and can’t remember his name.”

One Liner
“Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”

Thought for the day
“From such terrible dangers of death he saved us, and will save us; and we have placed our hope in him that he will save us again” 2 Corinthians 1:10

God is watching over you, so don’t listen to your fears. This is a choice: Trust God, and don’t give in to your fears