Monthly Archives: May 2017

Humor – May 24

Swimming Friends

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, “So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well.”

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.

After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”

Saul replies, “Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!”

One Liner
“Doc, I can hear all kinds of animals talk in my head.”

“Well, don’t worry,” said the doctor. “You’re just having Disney spells.”

Thought for the day
“When [the Samaritan] saw the man, he felt compassion for him” Luke 10:33b

Mercy always begins in the eyes. You have to see the need before you can meet the need. You can’t care until you are aware.

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Humor – May 23

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention– so he’s let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade, he claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem…”

One Liner
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Thought for the day
“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me” Psalms 23:4

When we understand God’s grace and mercy, then we have no need to fear the future.

Humor – May 22

“Cinnamon Rolls”

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, “About 10 years.”

One LINER
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.  
— Mark Twain

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 11:8 says, “People ought to enjoy every day of their lives, no matter how long they live” (NCV).

Whatever living you’re going to do, you better do it now.

Humor – May 19

Exercise Program
The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, since my body is so out of shape. So I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:
 
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.
 
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
 
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
 
Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.
 
Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
 
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
 
Whew!
What a workout!

Humor – May 18

“Good News Dewey”

Olga phoned her husband, Dewey, at work for a chat.

“I’m sorry dear,” said Dewey, “but I’m up to my neck in work today. I don’t have time to chat.”

Olga replied, “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you, dear.”

“OK, darling,” said Dewey, “but as I’ve got no time right now, just give me the good news.”

“OK,” agreed Olga. “Well, the air bag works!”

One Liner
“I hope I live to be as old as my jokes.”

Thought for the day
“Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. With them alone he shares the secrets of his promises” (Psalm 25:14 TLB).

If you want to build a deep relationship with God, you have to slow down and be quiet.