Monthly Archives: February 2018

Humor – February 16

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.

Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, “PLAY BALL!!!”

One LINER
Never try to drown your sorrows. They can swim.

Thought for the day
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG).

Life without meaning and significance is depressing. That’s why God’s solution to Moses, Elijah, Jonah’s depression was to help him see the bigger picture. Perspective is a powerful cure. When they finally understood God’s purpose for their life, their depression faded.

 

Humor – February 15

Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn’t talk about his Mother’s cooking, and Eve couldn’t mention all the men she could have married.

One LINER  
Any day above ground is a good day.

Thought for the day  
Psalm 97:10
Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.

Hate what is evil!!  Evil is here because of the Evil One — the champion of hate, lies, and death. So let’s be courageous and oppose Satan and his work. And pray for those trapped by the Evil one.

 

Humor – February 14

What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

1.  A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2.  Any clothing item with the words “slim-down” on the label.

3.  Any food item with the words “diet”, “light”,  or “high fiber” on the label.

4.  Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop–or worse, a mortuary’s.

5.  Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out “There was once a girl from Nantucket…”

6.  Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.

7.  Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

8.  A gift certificate.

9.  Cash.

10.  Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.

One LINER
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A hog and kisses!

Thought for the day
Wise men and women are always learning, always listening for fresh insights.
Proverbs 18:15 (MSG)

Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing mysterious about being creative. The basic principle of creativity is simply combining two or more known ideas in a new way to create a fresh idea.

Humor – February 13

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.

“It would go out,” he replied very matter-of-factly.

“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”

“No,” my co-worker continued. “The force from the explosion would blow out the match.”

One LINER
“The interest span of a child is possibly thirty seconds. Higher if throwing food or annoying a small animal is involved.” – Erma Bombeck

Thought for the day
Psalm 119:165
Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.

Have you ever had a clumsy stage of life, this promise is almost beyond believing — nothing can make me stumble! But when it comes to living life, if I know God’s will and love it, I will do it. Then nothing can make me stumble

Humor – February 12

TOP 10 WAYS TO INTIMIDATE YOUR DAUGHTER’S DATE WHEN HE COMES TO PICK HER UP

10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she leaves. Explain, “It makes fingerprinting easier.”

9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.

8. Introduce him to your good friend Chuck Norris.

7. Walk on stilts.

6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken heads, then yell up to your daughter, “Number six is here.”

5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.

4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family member to the living room using a whistle, then making them stand at attention and salute.

3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.

2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, “Subject is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a green ford.”

1. Say, “Let’s pray.”

One Liner
There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year.

Thought for the day
… To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away. Luke 19:26 (NLT)

Jesus requires his disciples to take risks because those risks are the substance of our faith. They stretch us to live by faith instead of living by sight. They stretch us from an independent, self-directed life to one dependent and directed by God.

Humor – February 9

MEANDERTHALS /me-AN-dur-thols/ noun: aimless, slow-walking pedestrians who mindlessly get in everyone else’s way on sidewalks, stores, in malls, and crosswalks, often while preoccupied with a cell phone.

One Liner
I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I’m finding out it has to do with my middle.

Thought for the day
“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.”  1 Peter 5:7

Does God care about your house payment, your health, whether you are a success or failure in life, your children and the education they get, whether you ever get married or not, about the argument you had with your boyfriend, or about how you feel this morning?  God says, “You bet I care! I am a caring Father.”

Scripture says that God is interested in every little detail of your life.  That’s so incredible I don’t think it even sinks in. God is a caring God.  He is concerned about every little detail in your life.