A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell ‘before.’

He stands up and says, “Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.”

The teacher says, “No, that’s wrong. Can anyone else spell before?”

Another little boy stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.”

Again the teacher says, “No, that’s wrong.” The teacher asks, “Little Johnny, can you spell ‘before’?”

Little Johnny stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.”

“Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?”

Little Johnny says, “That’s easy. Two plus two be fore.”

One Liner
“Pick your friends, but not to pieces.”

Thought for the day
2 Corinthians 5:20b is rendered: “Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you.” That’s the message we’re to take to the world, yet often we limit our influence by seeking and maintaining friendships exclusively among other believers.

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.

One Liner
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Thought for the day
The Apostle Paul encourages us to find common ground with non-believers: “I do this to get the Gospel to them and also for the blessing I myself receive when I see them come to Christ” (1 Corinthians 9:22-23 LB). Finding common ground is an act of friendship; it guides us to look for the positive instead of the negative in those outside the faith.

AMPHIBIOUS INVASION

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, “What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?”

Expecting to see “the D-Day invasion” as the answer, I found instead on one paper, “Moses and the plague of frogs.”

One Liner
A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

Thought for the day
Love people, not their values. God loves people (John 3:16), but that doesn’t mean he loves the values of the world. The Apostle John warns us not to “love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father” (1 John 2:15 MSG).

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.

“Not bad,” said the priest, “but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death.”

“What on earth is that?” asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

“Nuns with scissors.”

One Liner
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Thought for the day
Be friendly with everyone: “Don’t be proud and feel that you are smarter than others. Make friends with ordinary people.” (Romans 12:16 CEV)

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: How do you make a witch stew?
A: Keep her waiting for hours.

Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?
A: “Tomb it may concern…”

Q: What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person’s Corn Flakes?
A: A cereal killer

Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.

Q: What is a ghost’s favorite ride?
A: A roller ghoster.

Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
A: Tired blood

One Liner
“I usually take steps to avoid elevators.”

Thought for the day
Philippians 4:6 and 8 show us that there are four things that you need to do to trust God on a daily basis: “Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.… Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (NLT).

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second.

“My daddy’s an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.

Tommy replied, “My daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Billy.

“No, just the regular kind,” replied Tommy.

One Liner
I had to quit my job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.

Thought for the day
When you turn your work into worship, you start storing up credits in Heaven. Colossians 3:24 says, “Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and the Master you are serving is Christ.” As you work for God, you are making eternal deposits in Heaven.

DOCTOR FUNNY #1

After the doctor gave the patient his diagnosis, the patient asked, “Can I have a second opinion?”

The doctor replied, “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”

DOCTOR FUNNY #2

Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”

“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”

One Liner
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Thought for the day
So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV). It doesn’t matter if you’re rearranging papers or signing bills; any job can become an act of worship if you do it enthusiastically for God.