This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the Preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.”

The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?”

The girl replied, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?”

“Yes, that’s true,” the mother replied.

“He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?”

Again the mother replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” said the girl. “If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”

One Liner
Keep the faith…but not from others!

Thought for the day
“One hundred religious persons knit into a unity by careful organization do not constitute a church any more than eleven dead men make a football team.” – A. W. Tozer

During a game, the coach asked one of his young players: “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

Again, the boy nodded yes.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

One Liner
One man’s red tape is another man’s system.

Thought for the day
“Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I’ll come right in and sit down to supper with you” (Revelation 3:20, MSG). He’s your creator, redeemer, provider, sustainer, counselor, and comforter. God deserves our worship. We’d have nothing without God. Better yet, God wants your devotion, too! He wants to spend time with you.

A teenager who had just received her learner’s permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, “Thank you!”

“Anytime,” her daughter replied with a smile.

As her mother headed for the church door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”

One Liner
One thing the inventors can’t seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.

Thought for the day
“Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long” (Psalm 25:4-5 NIV). You and I need direction on a daily basis. God wants to give that direction to you, but to get the direction you must spend time with him. Your quiet time gives you an opportunity to get a daily mid-course correction in your lift

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.

“This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent.

“Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?”

“Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof.'”

“No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?”

“Rough!” the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

“No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.”

He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

“Ruth!” goes the dog.

And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog and man sit on the curb dejected. The dog turns to his owner and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

One Liner
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Thought for the day
Authenticity: “Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it.” (Romans 12:9a MSG)

Scientists have discovered an incredible fact: If an article of clothing is allowed to hang uninterrupted in a closet throughout just one holiday season, it will shrink at least two sizes.

One Liner
And now, for my most amazing feat today, I shall turn water into coffee!

(And then I will make it disappear.)

Thought for the day
Courtesy: “Always talk pleasantly and with a flavor of wit but be sensitive to the kind of answer each one requires.” (Colossians 4:6 NJB)

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the pool”

One Liner
“I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you – it was much cheaper back then.”

Thought for the day
One reason why you need to be connected to a church family is to fulfill your calling to serve other believers in practical ways. The Bible says, “All of you together are Christ’s body, and each one of you is a separate and necessary part of it.” (1 Corinthians 12:27 NLT)

A thought: When vacuuming, why do we run over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reach over and picking it up, examine it, then put it back down to give the vacuum one more chance?

One Liner
When you have a choice between stupidity and ignorance, pick ignorance. It’s curable.”

Thought for the day
Jesus tells us in Mark 8:35, “Only those who give away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” (TLB). God wired you in a way that you’ll never be happy unless you’re giving your life away in his work. You were made for something greater than yourself.

NEW COMPANY POLICIES

The following policies are hereby effective immediately:

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax $ 244.40

Outgo tax $ 45.21

State tax $ 11.61

Interstate tax $ 61.10

County tax $ 6.11

City tax $ 12.22

Rural tax $ 4.44

Back tax $ 1.11

Front tax $ 1.16

Side tax $ 1.61

Up tax $ 2.22

Down tax $ 1.11

Tic-Tacs $ 1.98

Thumbtacks $ 3.93

Carpet tacks $ 0.98

Stadium tax $ 0.69

Flat tax $ 8.32

Surtax $ 3.46

Corporate tax $ 2.60

Parking fee $ 5.00

F.I.C.A. $ 81.88

T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95

Life insurance $ 5.85

Health insurance $ 16.23

Dental insurance $ 4.50

Mental insurance $ 4.33

Reassurance $ 0.11

Disability $ 2.50

Ability $ 0.25

Liability $ 3.41

Unreliability $ 10.99

Coffee $ 6.85

Coffee Cups $ 66.51

Floor rental $ 16.85

Chair rental $ 0.32

Desk rental $ 4.32

Union dues $ 5.85

Union don’ts $ 3.77

Cash advance $ 0.69

Cash retreats $ 121.35

Overtime $ 1.26

Undertime $ 54.83

Eastern time $ 9.00

Central time $ 8.00

Mountain time $ 7.00

Pacific time $ 6.00

Time Out $ 12.21

Oxygen $ 10.02

Water $ 16.54

Heat $ 51.42

Cool air $ 26.83

Hot air $ 20.00

Miscellaneous $ 113.29

Sundry $ 12.09

Various $ 8.01

Net Take Home Pay $ 0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.