HOW YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR

~ Your VIN is 0000000000000001.

~ Your engine smokes so much the local health department recently tried to recruit you to help with mosquito abatement this summer.

~ When you go to the car wash more paint than dirt comes off.

~ Your tax adviser has suggested you could save money by purchasing your own tow truck.

~ Your mechanic keeps asking, “Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?”

~ While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning traffic jams.

~ Instead of an airbag, there’s a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.

~ Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

One Liner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Thought for the day
Do not think of your self more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” Romans 12:3 (NIV)

Humility is the ingredient for change that will counter our pride. We have to start by admitting we don’t have it all together.

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “72.”

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

One Liner
Faith attracts the positive. Fear attracts the negative.

Thought for the day
“Anyone who doubts is like a wave on the sea, blown up and down by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.” (James 1:6-7 NCV/NIV)

There are two things that cause self-doubt in your life:
1. Comparing your abilities causes you to doubt your abilities.
2. Remembering your past failures causes you to doubt your abilities.

Don’t let your past doubts or guilt keep you from being used by God. God says, “I don’t care what your past is. I want to use you!”

Diner: I can’t eat this chicken. Call the manager.

Waiter: It’s no use. He can’t eat it either.

One Liner
It hasn’t been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.

Thought for the day
“God is always revealing Himself to us through His Word and through the works of His hands. He’s an intentional God, brimming over with purpose, infusing meaning into everything around us.” – Joni Eareckson Tada

ID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?’ ‘No,’ replied Johnny. ‘How could he, with just two worms.’

One Liner
Wisdom often has two parts – 1) having a lot to say 2) not saying it.

Thought for the day
Trust me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory.” Psalm 50:15 (NLT)

Are you willing to trust in the One who is unseen but is more reliable, more dependable than any technology this world could create?

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed to a recruiting mission. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Marine are interested in each other because they are giving each other “looks.” Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: “It was very brash for that young Marine to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: “I didn’t think the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking: “I’m glad the Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: “Life is good. When does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?!”

One Liner
TEACHER: Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?”
JOHN: In the garden of Eden?

Thought for the day
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” – C.S. Lewis

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. What’s the phone number of the Garden of Eden?

A. ADAM-8-1-3

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

One Liner
I like coffee so much, I have a picture of my coffee mug on my coffee mug.

Thought for the day
“No one preaches the whole counsel of God who is a man-pleaser.” – R.C. Sproul

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’ A thoughtful Little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I’d throw up.’

One Liner
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Thought for the day
“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred; it is the power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.” – Corrie Ten Boom