A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him. 

The caller said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, “Hi, you have reached 555-9851. I can’t come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone.” 

One Liner
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

The flight attendant on the trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As the young man stepped forward, she playfully offered some to him. 

He passed, pointing to the Airborne wings on his Army uniform. He explained, “The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane.”

One Liner
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart?

Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three.

One Liner
Editing is a rewording activity.

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at George’s residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

[REMINDER…This is only humor, not advice…]

One Liner
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. 

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. “Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution. “I’ll put down newspapers.” 

“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

One Liner
Daylight Savings Time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it? 

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the Senior Special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. 

“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.” 

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her. 

“You mean I’d have to pay more for NOT taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. 

“Yep” stated the waitress. 

“I’ll take the special,” my wife replied.

“How do you want your eggs?” 

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. 

She took the two eggs home.

One Liner
Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?