The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up. 

She laughed gaily, “When I don’t want a man’s attentions,” she confided, “and he asks where I live, I just say, ‘I’m visiting here’.” 

“Ha-ha,” he laughed, relishing her humor. “Where do you really live?” 

“I’m just visiting here.” 

One Liner
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that’s REALLY BAD for you.

“Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.” A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. 

“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said. “I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!” 

“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.” 

“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.” 

One Liner
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.

As I took my copy, I told him, “I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers.”

“Oh, don’t worry about us,” he chuckled. “Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint.”

One Liner
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 years. 

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.   

“Have you ever broken a bone?” he asked.   

“Yes,” the girl replied.   

“Did it hurt?”   

“No.”   

“Really? Which bone did you break?”   

“My sister’s arm.”   

One Liner
They told me I was gullible. I believed them. 

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was a goober at counting money and adding up figures.

“Where did you get your financial education?” he asked.

“Yale,” replied the lad.

“And what’s your name?” barked the manager.

“Yim Yohnston,” he replied.

One Liner
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

A traveler got to the airline counter and presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

One Liner
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL? 

Customer: “Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?”

Manager: “No, we already have all the staff we need.”

Customer: “Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?”

One Liner
The secret to success is sincerity and once you learn to fake it, you’ve got it made.

The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. 

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing. 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle. 

At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle

One Liner
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? 
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.