The patient is adamant. “Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . .”
“What makes you think you need all these?”
Well, replied the patient, “My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized.”
One Liner
I plead contemporary insanity.
There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”
One Liner
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist. If they ask what I do every day, I answer, “Y’know, stuff.”
John slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff.
“Boy,” said another player disgustingly, “I really hate playing cards with a bad loser.”
“He isn’t very pleasant,” another player said, raking in the chips, “but it’s better than playing with a good winner.
One Liner
You can’t please everyone. But it is possible to make ’em all mad at the same time.
A young child asked a woman how old she was. She answered, “39 and holding.”
The child thought for a moment, then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?”
One Liner
What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.
“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf.”
“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”
One Liner
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
A little boy was visiting a Historic Village with his mom. “Mommy, Mommy!” he cried, “I just saw a man making a horse!”
“Are you sure?” asked his mother.
“Yes,” said the tot. “He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on the feet.”
One Liner
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
mikeshumor 