Top Seven Reasons Your Pastor Needs a Vacation
7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “All right, listen up you heathens…”

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.

4. Every time his smartphone notifications ding, he shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me alone?!”

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION 

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

One Liner

When I was a kid I wanted to be older … this is not what I expected.

Little Girl: “Daddy, what do you have to do to become a doctor?”

Daddy: “You have to do well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be.”

Little Girl (after some thought): “What do you have to do to be queen?”

One Liner

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you?”

The first vampire says, “I want a pint of blood.”

The second vampire also asks for a pint of blood.

The third vampire says, “I want a pint of plasma.”

The bartender says, “Gotcha.  That’s two bloods and a blood light, comin’ up.”

One Liner

Vampires were created to increase garlic sales.

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”

One Liner

You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Interviewer: You’re asking for a pretty high salary for someone without any experience.

Interviewee: Well, this job is going to be super hard since I don’t know what I’m doing.

One Liner

The scary part is, someday these are going to be referred to as the good old days.

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.

When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him.”

One Liner

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.

“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”

“They called back!”

One Liner

It’s not a sin to be rich … it’s a miracle!

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him. “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself,” he said.

The boss replied, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an entire hour?”

One Liner

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.