Sunday school teacher: Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?
Johnny: No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.

One Liner

Chris: Why is a computer so smart?
Mom: It listens to its motherboard.

Mom No. 1: How do you get your sleepy-head son up in the morning?
Mom No. 2: I just put the cat on the bed.
Mom No. 1: How does that help?
Mom No. 2: The dog’s already there.

One Liner

I don’t think I’ll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother’s Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in Hawaii.

He sent an email to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. 

The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”

One Liner

That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn?

I went skydiving today for the first time.

This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.

As we plummeted he said, “So how long have you been an instructor?”

One Liner

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, remember…don’t sing.

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it.  Can you give me an example of one?”

“Sure,” a teenage boy replied.  “My father’s new car.”

One Liner

Yesterday I fixed up my hair and makeup and saw no one. Today I looked like Jack Nicholson in the Shining and saw all the people I know. All of them.

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church on Sunday and found several letters waiting for him.  He opened one and found it contained the single word, “Fool!”  To the congregation on Sunday he said: “I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the first instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.

One Liner

Cardboard belts are a waist of paper.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”  He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

One Liner

Hmmm … I just found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off of something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, “You know why I’m going to win this election? Because of my ‘personal touch.’ For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.”

“Oh, is that so?” replied the other. “I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you.”

One Liner

Lemonade is the only fruit drink where 100% juice is not desirable.