A grandma and her 5-year-old grandson were taking a walk in the country just after the first heavy frost had dyed the foliage and given it a brilliantly colored, crazy quilt appearance.

“Just think,” the grandma marveled, gazing at a scarlet and gold-tinted hillside, “God painted all that.”

“Yes,” the boy agreed, “and He even did it with His left hand.”

“What do you mean ‘He did it with His left hand’?” she asked, somewhat puzzled by the remark.

“Well,” he replied reasonably, “at Sunday School, the teacher told us that Jesus is sitting on the right hand of God!”

One Liner

Finally realize why I look so bad in pictures. It’s my face.

“Why is Dad never home?” the 16 year old girl asked her mother.

“Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn’t miss out on a thing.”

“Wow,” the teenager replied thoughtfully, “that’s really very selfish of him, isn’t it?”

One Liner

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

RULES FOR PROCRASTINATORS

1. If anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about altogether.

3. All deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

4. The probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

5. If at first you don’t succeed, there is always next year.

One Liner

At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

“Yes, Theo, what is it?” asked the teacher.

“I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don’t get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble.”

One Liner

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space.

Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, “What makes you think these are all mine?”

One Liner

Stephen King has a brother named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is.

If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.

If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.

Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.

One Liner

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,523 days in a row.

“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

One Liner

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. That’s humerus.

A man feels very ill upon returning to the U.S. from a trip abroad. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. 

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an exceptionally dangerous virus that is extremely contagious!” 

“Oh my gosh,” cries the man in a panic, “What are you going to do?!”

Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.” 

“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.

One Liner

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.