I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, “I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?”

She said, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before you came here?”

I replied, “I didn’t need one before I got here!”

One Liner

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts.

Finally one said, “What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?”

The other boy replied thoughtfully, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too.”

One Liner

If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’m doing a 0.0000000025km run to raise awareness for laziness.

Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:

“Oh Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that naughty Peck boy!”

Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.

“Say, ma,” he objected, “do I look as if I had been playing with anybody?”

One Liner

Learning a new language is kind of like uploading subtitles into your head.

A fisherman is walking from the pier carrying lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.  Every day I come and whistle and these lobsters jump out of the water.  I take them for a walk and then return them.”

The warden is highly skeptical, so the fisherman says, “If you don’t believe me just watch!” and throws the lobsters into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me how they jump out of the water.”

The fisherman says, “What lobsters?”

One Liner

I enjoy the simple little pleasures in life, but every once in a while I want a big, expensive one, too.

Several years ago there was an office intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use the copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One Liner

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees the light at the end tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees three nincompoops standing on the tracks.

A pastor began his children’s sermon by holding up his index finger with a string tied around it. He was trying to teach the kids different ways to remember important things.  

He said, “Some people tie a string around their finger to remember something important. What are other ways we can remember?”  

A very sharp 7-year-old raises her hand and the pastor puts the microphone close to her so all can clearly hear her say, “You could use your brain!”

One Liner

If you accidentally listened to your motivation tapes backwards, would you become a failure?

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great!” Little Johnny replied excitedly.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, Daddy really liked it, too,” exclaimed Little Johnny, “especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

One Liner

I am at the age where each day is a wonder.  I wonder what is going to hurt today.