Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. “You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

One Liner

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

FIXING THE FENCE AT THE WHITE HOUSE

Three contractors were on a tour of the White House. One is from Minnesota, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Chicago. As they are walking through they notice a broken fence and ask if it would be possible to submit a bid to fix it. They are told of course.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

One Liner

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

STC (Senior Texting Codes)

Since more and more seniors citizens are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for senior discounts, these are the codes for you:

ATD: At The Doctor’s

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing…Can’t Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTP: Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing; send the additions back to the person who sent you this so they can update their list:

GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

One Liner
I told my family I never want to depend on a machine and fluids to keep me alive…that’s when they took away my computer and coffee maker!

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I’d be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel receptionist’s sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered.

“We have over 300 guests at at this facility,” she said. “Does this ‘Jim’ have a last name?”

One Liner

95% of people are completely STUPID! Luckily, I’m in the other 10%.

After breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.”

One Liner

The sentence, “Are you as bored as I am?”, can be read backwards and still make sense.

My four-year-old son told me that it was his stuffed animal’s birthday today. 

Since this was probably the third birthday this animal had in about as many weeks, I commented that she seems to have a lot of birthdays. 

He explained, “Well, the older you get, the faster they come!”

One Liner

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A bunch of men were sitting around the playing poker. 

“I win!” said Harry.

Joe threw down his cards, “That’s it! I’ve had it! Harry is cheating!!!”

“How can you tell?” Phillip asked.

“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

One Liner

I had a brilliant thought once but it got lonely and left.