A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:

“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

One Liner

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

Me: “The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches.” 

Wife: “Okay, just throw them out.” 

[Later]

Me (helping the kids pack a suitcase): “Look, I’m just as surprised as you are.”

One Liner

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

MR. POTATO HEAD

He’s tan. 
He’s cute. 
He knows the importance of accessorizing. 
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

One Liner

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who’s next.

By Ben Cain:

At the airport for his 9-year-old son’s first big trip (by himself) after checking in on the phone with Grandma and Grandpa. 

Dad: “So what did Grandma say on the phone?”

Son: “She said I love you, can’t wait to see you, we’re going to have so much fun…and…uh…something about ‘we will rot you?'”

Dad: “Do you mean ‘spoil you?'”

Solomon: “Yes! That’s the word. I couldn’t find it in my brain.”

One Liner

When I was young, I was poor. But after several years of hard work, I am no longer young.

A Southern preacher found his young son in the kitchen munching on a snack, which he was not supposed to be doing.

The preacher said, “Son, when I told you to stand-uh… on the Word of Gawd-duh, … I did not mean that you should stack-uh … four King James Bible-suh … to reach-uh … the cookie … jaarrrrr!”

One Liner

My wife told me I was immature. I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Nephew: “Thanks for that harmonica you gave me — it’s the best birthday present ever!”

Uncle: “Well, that’s great! What songs can you play?”

Nephew: “Oh, I don’t play it. Mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and Dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.” 

One Liner

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? 
Swarm.

THEORIES OF CAT BEHAVIOR

LAW OF CAT INERTIA
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE
As yet undiscovered.

One Liner

I’ve had a lot of education, but the one thing that has been the most consistently useful in my life is “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

In the far distant future, in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.

“Where are you from?” the one asked. 

“I’m from Alpha Century,” he answered. “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Earth,” was the answer.

“I know someone from earth,” the Alpha Centurion said. “His name is John Smith. Do you know him?”

One Liner

“‘Exercise!’ I thought you said, ‘Extrafries.'”