Bob dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the pearly gates by the angel overseeing all the admissions into heaven. The angel looks at him and starts flipping through the book in front of him. “Bob,” begins the angel, “we have a problem. As far as I can see, you have exactly fifty percent good deeds and fifty percent sins. I can’t let you into heaven on that basis. Are there any good deeds in your life that I may have missed that would tip the scales?”

“Well, what about the time that I was on the train and a man was about to beat an old woman senseless and I stepped in to stop him?” The angel flips through the book again, “Gee, I don’t see that in here 
when did that happen?”

Bob answered, “Couldn’t have been more than five minutes ago!”

One Liner

I accidentally used the dogs shampoo this morning. Now I feel like a good boy.