For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $10, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.” 

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

One Liner

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

A mother texting to her son, “John, just found out Aunt Elsie died. LOL”

Son: “Why are you saying LOL?”

Mom: “I am adding Lot’s Of Love.”

Son: “Mom, that means Laughing Out Loud!”

Mom: “Gotta go, I have some urgent calls to make…”

One Liner

Nobody but cattle know why they stampede and they ain’t talking.

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, a woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C., airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked, “What is your reason for entering the country?” and “How long are you planning to stay?”

He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England.

Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same business-like tone: “Is the house clean?” and “Are there fresh flowers on the table?”

One Liner

No matter how stupid you feel, remember Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

One Liner

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

A woman meant to call a music store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”

One Liner

Hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

Bob dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the pearly gates by the angel overseeing all the admissions into heaven. The angel looks at him and starts flipping through the book in front of him. “Bob,” begins the angel, “we have a problem. As far as I can see, you have exactly fifty percent good deeds and fifty percent sins. I can’t let you into heaven on that basis. Are there any good deeds in your life that I may have missed that would tip the scales?”

“Well, what about the time that I was on the train and a man was about to beat an old woman senseless and I stepped in to stop him?” The angel flips through the book again, “Gee, I don’t see that in here 
when did that happen?”

Bob answered, “Couldn’t have been more than five minutes ago!”

One Liner

I accidentally used the dogs shampoo this morning. Now I feel like a good boy.