Dearest Lauren,

I’m so sorry for the things I said.  I’ve been unable to sleep since I broke off our relationship last month.  I think about you day and night. Your absence is breaking my heart and recently I’ve begun to realize that nobody can take your place.  Sweetheart, I miss you so much.  Please call me.

All my love,

Robert 

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week’s Powerball Lottery.

One Liner

I’m going to live forever, or die trying.

A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital, where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery. 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard, a pen, and a collection of forms. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.  

She asked, “Do you have health insurance?”  He replied in a weak raspy voice, “No health insurance.” 

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” 

The irritated nun continued, “Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?”  He replied, “I have only a spinster sister and she is a nun.” 

The nun became agitated and announced, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!” 

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

One Liner

9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.

The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel looks the man in the eye and says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

One Liner

Mmm! Just took a pan of fresh-baked synonym rolls out of the oven! Just like grammar used to make!

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone’s attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up. 

“Any chance I could get a lift into town?” said the minivan driver.

“I can do better than that,” the man driving the Countach replied. “I’ve got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast.”

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, “Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!”

One Liner

Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.

“It’s terrible,” said the man, “I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can’t go past a lamp post any more.”

“Okay,” said the psychiatrist. “Lie down on the couch.”

The man replied, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

One Liner

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle. 

Reporters were interviewing a 104-year-old woman. 

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. 

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

One Liner

What did the air-head say about Cheerios? “Oh look! Doughnut seeds!”

PROOF YOU’RE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER

~ Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

~ Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?

~ Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

~ Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

~ Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

~ Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

~ Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

~ Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

One Liner

Stock up and save. Limit one.