Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard. 

“Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

“I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

“I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!”

One Liner

Give some people an inch and they think they’re rulers.

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, “I’m sorry about not speaking more clearly. I’ve been to the dentist.”

“You should have used the drive-through,” she said.

“Why?”

“Everyone who goes through sounds like you,” she explained.

One Liner

I won’t say I’m worn out, but I don’t get near the curb on trash day.

Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision. 

“Who should go, Clark Kent or Lois Lane?” He actually did some praying, which he hadn’t done for a long time. He asked, “Please, show me a sign.” 

That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Wal*Mart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer.

The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, “I’m sorry, Lois, but you have to go.” 

After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, “Chief, how did you know which one of us should go?” 

Perry said, “Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE.”

One Liner

My wife and I had a long argument about whose turn it was to do the laundry. In the end, I threw in the towel. 

 was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this” and stuck out two of her fingers. 

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. 

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?” 

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

One Liner

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

One Liner

Good enough is NEVER good enough.

“I’m prescribing these pills for you,” said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising.

“I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time.”

One Liner

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re likely built upside down.

Sam:  Do you know the difference between a guest towel and toilet paper?

Bob:  No…

Sam:  In that case, don’t use our bathroom.

One Liner

God says we should love everybody — but some people need to be loved from a distance.

When we were looking to buy property, an overzealous realtor showed us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. 

I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing. 

The smiling super salesman said, “Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze, and some good people.” 

I replied, “Yeah, I agree. But couldn’t the same thing be said of hell?”

One Liner

I am one with the universe – on a scale from one to ten.