The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in it. “Johnny,” began the teacher, “I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

“It’s the flea, teacher.”

“What flea?” she asked.

The boy faithfully replied, “The Bible verse says, ‘Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt.'”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly…

During a final exam in December, one of the questions was: The value of x + x(xx) when x = 2 is: (a) 10, (b) 16, (c) 18, (d) 36, (e) 64

One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don’t. Merry Christmas!”

The exam paper came back with the prof’s notation: “God gets 100. You get zero. Happy New Year.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Santa. Santa who? Santa Christmas card to you, did you get it?

A couple travel to visit their son and his family for Christmas.

Grandpa sees a beautiful nativity set in their house. He asks his little granddaughter if she knows what it is. 

She replies, “Yes…it’s breakable.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are here again!

Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, “No, Johnny, you can’t eat that now it has germs.”

Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, “Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus – that’s all I ever hear about and I haven’t seen one of ’em yet!”

One Liner

It’s officially the season of letting vague Santa threats do about 80 percent of my parenting.

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter’s girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I’ll find any more free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you’re hauling big ticket items this year, I’d like a car with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays only big-people music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, “Yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don’t fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, “Don’t eat in the living room” and “Take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can be heard only by the dog.

And please don’t forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws’ house seem just like mine.

If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don’t mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn’t look so cute sneaking downstairs in his pajamas to eat contraband ice cream at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don’t catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, 
Mom

P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young…

One Liner

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries not included.

Farmers Brown & Jones had adjoining farms for years and didn’t get along at all. 

One night after supper, Farmer Brown knocked on Farmer Jones’s door. When Farmer Jones answered the door, Farmer Brown said, “I know we don’t talk often, but I wanted you to know that our mule just died today.”

Farmer Jones replied, “I’m certainly sorry to hear that, but I am wondering why you came over here to tell me?”

“Because,” Farmer Brown said, “you’re always supposed to notify the next of kin.”

One Liner

Always keep several get-well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they’ll think you’ve been sick and unable to clean.

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. “You see,” he explained, “my wife’s expecting.”

“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife’s expecting.”

The Officer looked surprised. “Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off.

“When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. “Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he bellowed.

“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She’s still expecting.”

“What on earth is she expecting?” cried the Officer.

“Me,” said the soldier simply.

One Liner

I was walking past a farm and a sign said “Duck, eggs!” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma.” And then it hit me.

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male,

“Dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he’s adopted.”

One Liner

Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.