Q&A ABOUT RETIREMENT

Question:  When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after falling asleep on the couch.

Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:  What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:  NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

Question:  What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why do retirees often say they don’t miss work, but miss the people they used to work with?
Answer:  They are too polite to tell the whole truth.

One Liner

A bald man got a great deal on a wig today – only $1! It was a small price toupee.

Daughter: Alexa, play Let It Go.

Dad: When I was your age, I had to call a radio station, wait on hold for 30 minutes to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour for my song to play with a blank cassette tape so I could record it. 

Daughter: I don’t understand any of that.

One Liner

Looking to comfort a friend of mine who struggles with grammar, I patted her arm gently and said, “There, they’re, their.”

A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.

First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question.

The priest asked, “Where was Jesus born?”

The man answered, “Pittsburgh,” and was shown the door.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question.

He was asked, “Where was Jesus born?”

The man answered, “Philadelphia.”

He was dismissed.

Walking away, he encountered the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, “The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately.”

The man said to the rabbi, “I will come back only if you answer a question. Where was Jesus born?

The rabbi says, “Bethlehem.”

“HA!,” cries the man. “I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania.”

One Liner

My goal is to have $50,000 by the end of February. I already got $3.03.

While a woman was out of town, a neighbor came to borrow a fancy pie pan.  Of course the woman’s husband was happy to lend it to her.

The pie pan was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie.  

When the woman asked her husband where the pie came from, he told her about the loan and explained: “Our neighbor said she never returns something without filling it up.”

“Good!” the woman replied. “You should let her borrow our checkbook.”

One Liner

Just went over my bank account and figured out I can live comfortably if I quit my job, without working the rest of my life, as long as I die on Friday.

While a woman was out of town, a neighbor came to borrow a fancy pie pan.  Of course the woman’s husband was happy to lend it to her.

The pie pan was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie.  

When the woman asked her husband where the pie came from, he told her about the loan and explained: “Our neighbor said she never returns something without filling it up.”

“Good!” the woman replied. “You should let her borrow our checkbook.”

One Liner

Just went over my bank account and figured out I can live comfortably if I quit my job, without working the rest of my life, as long as I die on Friday.

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so that’s what I did.”

One Liner

Just when you think you’ve won the rat race, along come faster rats.

A fellow who loved to go out in his kayak whenever he could. 

One winter it was very cold, so he built a fire on a metal lined pad on the floor of the boat. 

The fire burned through the pad, causing the boat to sink. 

This proves that we cannot have our kayak and heat it, too.

One Liner

Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the  entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

One Liner

Sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.